


There and Then

by RyeRiley



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: Aged up characters, Being Lost, Break Up, Drama & Romance, F/F, F/M, Greenelan AU, Loneliness, Romance, The Prom AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-14 03:28:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 39,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28913868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RyeRiley/pseuds/RyeRiley
Summary: What do you do when you suddenly wake up and things seem to be lost or out of place? Some people runaway, some people hide themselves. What are we truly afraid of? Not giving enough or getting what we think we don't deserve?Inspired by Jason Robert Brown's song, "I'd Give It All For You", Emma and Alyssa go through memories and back again to finally realize where they both truly belong: home.
Relationships: Alyssa Greene/Emma Nolan
Comments: 46
Kudos: 46





	1. All Great and Precious Things

**Author's Note:**

> This Greenelan fanfiction is inspired by Caitlin Kinnunen and Isabelle McCalla's performance of the song "I'd Give It All For You" at Broadway Backwards 2019. Let's say that the 2020 movie brought me here yet I stayed because of the OBC.
> 
> I am looking forward to your thoughts about this first chapter. I think this may turn into a multi-chapter fic.

* * *

Emma dropped the sledgehammer next to her feet. She took off her goggles; a sheen of sweat covered her forehead. It has been a week since she started working. She has been alone for a month; it was not supposed to be this way. She did not picture her life to go on this way. It felt like one day she was on top of the world and the next day, she had fell off a cliff. Emma has been at it all morning, tearing down the property piece by piece. She was going to rebuild her life and this house was a metaphor of it.

Emma had bought a house. Well, she had already bought it a few months back, earlier this year since she had plans, plans that were eventually derailed. _Did she make a mistake by taking her time? Did she make a slipup by being so assured?_ These were the nagging questions in her mind. Now, in the rubble of what once was a kitchen, Emma huffs at the scene around her, thinking what went wrong? Through the torn sheets of wallpaper and broken pieces of wood, Emma crumbles with her reverie. In a grubby white tank top, a pair of khaki cargo pants, and safety boots, Emma shatters. She falls down onto her knees and tears suddenly escape her like a broken dam. _This is not what it is supposed to be._

* * *

The next day, Emma wakes up in the couch of her apartment. She has not been sleeping in her bedroom in the past month. The room itself felt like a phantom limb, you cannot see it but the pain is there. The entire apartment itself does not feel the same anymore; Emma wants to get out of there as fast as she can. There are outlines of photographs and artwork on the walls, memories hidden out of sight. The kitchen that used to be Emma’s haven is now empty, pots and pans in boxes; the stove has gone cold. The closets are now empty and all of Emma’s clothes are in bags now. Most of her things are in boxes, the other stuff that are not hers are in boxes, too.

A memory enters Emma’s thoughts as she lay on the couch.

_Dim sunlight seeps through the wooden blinds. Emma has been awake for a while; she remains unmoving, savoring the warmth that currently fills her heart. She lies on her side with an arm tucked under her head. She observes the splendor beside her. Her long lashes, her tan skin, her cluttered curly tresses scattered all over the pillow; such a view. This is her life now, Emma thinks to herself. The steady breathing of the person beside her calms her. Emma records everything to memory, if only she could stay here forever. Then, without warning, brown eyes open to look into her hazel ones. She smiles wide, a smile that reaches her ears._

_“How long had you been up?” She asked with a hoarse voice._

_“Long enough to be able to merit your gorgeous face to memory.” Emma hummed._

_“What’s with you and your obsession with retaining everything?” She pokes Emma’s cheek._

_“I read this article about Alzheimer’s…” Emma began to explain and she was suddenly shushed with a hasty peck on her lips. Those soft warm lips has caused Emma’s stomach to churn in a good way for so many years._

_“That’s not going to happen, babe.” She chuckled._

_“We don’t know that…” Emma countered. “You don’t know that, what if it does happen? What if I suddenly wake up and forget everything? What if I suddenly become a different person? What will happen to us? I don’t want to forget you; I don’t want to forget this…” Emma brings their foreheads together._

_“That’s not going to happen, babe.” She whispered again. “But if ever due to some profound circumstance it does, I can also pull a Nicholas Sparks on you.” She teased._

_“You do know where I keep my journals, right?” Emma was serious._

_“I don’t need your journals, Em. Everything is up here.” She points at her forehead. “And here.” She points at her heart. “But I know how particular you are, I can hear you arguing with me already, so your journal will come in handy.” She giggled with a wink._

_“You’re going to be the death of me!” Emma laughed and proceeds to pepper the person next to her with kisses._

_“I love you, Emma Nolan.” She whispered. “Always remember that.”_

_“I will.” Emma took a deep breath and kept every detail to memory once more._

It was always like that, every waking day but now, it is nothing but a bittersweet memory. A broken promise that dissipated into thin air.

Then there was a faint knocking on Emma’s front door that caused her to jolt up. She found her glasses on top on the side table and slid it on. She could feel that all the muscles in her back are aching. With all the work, that she has done lately and the uncomfortable sleep setting had taken a toll on Emma’s body but the pain is nothing compared to what she felt in her heart. Dressed in the same clothes she was in yesterday, Emma trudged towards the door.

As she opened the door, two familiar faces with tentative smiles greeted her.

“I hope we are not too early.” Shelby looked apologetic.

“We brought coffee and bagels!” Kevin lifted the bags in his hands.

Emma managed to reply with timid smile. She thinks she looks terrible due to the concerned faces of her friends. Her hair probably looks like a bird’s nest, bags are underneath near eyes, and she has not been too keen with skin care lately. However, these are Shelby and Kevin, she had known them for so long, two people that she does not care to appear vulnerable to.

“You look terrible.” Shelby greeted her bluntly with a side hug.

Emma stepped aside to allow the couple to enter. Shelby was wearing a denim jacket on top of a tight black top and a pair of slim fit denim pants. Kevin flashed her a wry smile and he ruffled her wavy pixie hair with his free hand as he walked towards the kitchen counter to set their breakfast down. He wore a maroon sweater and a pair of dark fitted jeans.

“So, you weren’t joking when you said you cut your hair.” Kevin noted as he took out their coffees from the paper carriers. Emma now had a short curly pixie cut with sideburns with the nape with shaved geometric designs as an unexpected detail.

“I work better in this state.” Emma rubbed the back of her neck, she felt better with less hair. 

“So, you’re really doing this?” Shelby gestured at the boxes in the hallway as she sat on the arm of the sofa where Emma was currently sleeping in.

Emma just nodded and took a deep breath.

“I see that you are almost done packing.” Kevin walked around the apartment to check the rooms.

“You don’t have to do everything alone, Em.” Shelby stood up. “You know that, you have us.” She walked towards where Emma stayed motionless, in the middle of the living room.

“I need to get used to it, Shelbs. You know, being alone.” Emma muttered.

“But it doesn’t have to be this way.” Shelby looked forlorn as she stared at the state of Emma’s apartment. Kevin and she used to frequent this place, back when it was full of life. She thought about the countless game nights that they shared as friends, the chaos in Emma’s kitchen, and the drunken laughter that resonated in these walls. Now, everything just looked grey, everything just felt empty.

“But Emma’s right, it’s hard to stick around here.” Kevin placed a comforting hand over his wife’s shoulder.

“But we don’t really know…” Shelby’s voice cracked.

_If she will come back._ Maybe that is what Shelby wanted to say, Emma could not deny the fact that she considered that but more than a month has already passed. 

“But we do know, Shelbs. You know, she talked to you.” Emma’s voice was just a faint whisper. Too angry to accept that _she_ called Shelby first and not Emma, that she did not even give Emma a proper explanation why she just left.

“She’s coming back, Em.” Shelby managed to croak.

“I know, I think she might…eventually.” Emma looked up the ceiling trying to prevent her tears from falling. “But not for me.”

The three of them gave each other pitiful looks; they did not imagine that everything would come to this.

“All of her stuff are in those boxes; I think I have everything there if she comes for them.” Emma gestured at the group of boxes stacked near the door.

“Are you sure about this?” Kevin furrowed his brows.

“I guess it is better this way, plus the lease in this place is done, I can’t keep those here. Also, I have moved some of my stuff in a storage facility; I won’t be bringing in everything to the new house.” Emma explained. She always addressed the new property as _the new house,_ never _my new house,_ not just yet. She has been used to sharing things in the past years, labelling everything as _our apartment, our stuff, our life_ and now, not everything is what it seems. 

“So, you’re really working on the renovations on your own? I can give you a hand sometimes; I can come in on weekends.” Kevin had offered his help several times.

“Thanks for the offer, Kev. But this is something that I think I need to do on my own.” Emma thought.

Indeed, from now on, she needs to get used to being alone.

* * *

_So, were you able to find yourself?_

The sound of her mother’s stern voice resonated in Alyssa’s thoughts. It had been ten weeks, she had taken various trails, and trails she did not exactly know would lead her. She had been driving, hiking, and sleeping under the stars. It had been a week since her last phone call to her mother. Veronica Greene did not have a hold on her life in the past years anymore; actually, she had been living her own life with no qualms from her mother, only support. _What went wrong?_ She could not pinpoint it but something had always felt out of place. All the goodness in her life had always been too good to be true. She was used to everything working out but this time around, she just had to slip up. This time around, she just ran away from the best thing that happened and could ever happen to her life. _What was she so afraid of?_

Now, she found herself in front of the breathtaking view of the copper mines along the Grandview Trail of the Grand Canyon. It had been weeks since Alyssa had seen herself in a full-length mirror and none of it mattered at this moment. For the first time in her life, she had been looking outward and not at herself. The view was too beautiful to think about anything else; all the chaos, all the struggles in her heart, dissolute. She stood there, taking a photograph of the magnificent vista before her. She had been disconnected from everything for what felt like so long but she had never felt more connected to herself in her entire life. _Memories are worth keeping, just in case you forget, it will help you remember._ She thought of one person and her fear of forgetting. Alyssa’s doubts had always pestered her in her sleep, so she had always pushed herself to her physical limits to be able to fall asleep lately. Arid climate, dry hair, chapped lips, and aching muscles; she did not know if she was punishing herself but she never felt so grounded, so alive. She was alone with her thoughts, in this empty canyon, away from all the noise that had always bothered her. She sat there, staring at the vista, jotting down thoughts on a leather bound journal, so that she would not forget this moment.

* * *

She arrived at the campground just a few hours before the sun had set. It had been weeks since she last saw anyone. There was a buzz of energy in the campground; people finally making phone calls, people eating warm meals, others preparing for their next journey and the others turning back to end their expeditions. 

Alyssa headed directly towards her red Jeep and unloaded the backpack that always looked too big for her lithe frame. Yes, she had a Jeep now, something that she had brought only for this purpose. It had brought her to places across the country. Somehow, it felt like she had always wanted this. Now, she just did what felt like the right thing to do and it felt good; she felt free. She put on a red and black flannel shirt over her black tank top, navy blue hiking shorts, and hiking boots ensemble. She fixed her hair up into a messy bun and put on a colorful bandana to keep the growing tendrils out of her face. She had decided to rest for the night, she got a permit to set up camp here, and she will be back on the road the next day.

Alyssa was new to being alone, yes, she never felt truly seen in the past especially in the first sixteen years of her life but she was never alone. Her mother was always there, people always surrounded her, and some people she called friends. At some point, she knew that she would never be alone because she had found her person, she will always have her. _Will she still be there?_

Alyssa fumbles upon a memory.

_It was a humid afternoon but they were cuddled in the couch. This was a rare occasion. Between the demands of graduate school and Emma’s time writing her next project, they hardly had enough time for mundanity. The television was humming at a low volume; you could hear the chaos outside, the sirens of police cars and ambulances, the honking of the busy traffic and the shouting of people across the street. Yet, they were huddled inside Emma’s cozy apartment, too unmindful of what is happening outside._

_“I missed you,” Alyssa nuzzles towards Emma’s chest. They were still dressed in their pajamas from this morning. Emma had an arm draped at the back of the sofa and Alyssa cuddled to her side._

_“We see each other almost every day, babe.” Emma comments. Emma was right, it had been several months but it just felt like eternity. They always moved back and forth, either Alyssa spends the night at Emma’s or Emma goes home to her apartment._

_“It’s never enough,” Alyssa mumbles. “It’s not always like this, it’s either you watch me study or I wait until you are done with work. I thought the arrangement would work but the anticipation each day has actually been tiresome.” Alyssa plays with Emma’s messy curls that reached her jaw._

_“I thought you said you can’t afford distractions, especially with school.” Emma raised an eyebrow._

_“Waiting to see you each day has been a welcomed distraction.” Alyssa flashes a lopsided grin showing a dimple._

_“Hmm, yeah, you’re right. But we have this now.” Emma purrs, pressing Alyssa closer to her side. Alyssa had draped her arm over Emma’s torso now._

_There was an earnest pause between them, not one of them saying a word until a thought crosses Alyssa. She felt like it was an epiphany, as if everything was clear as day._

_“Move in with me.” Emma barely heard Alyssa’s whisper._

_“What?” Emma jerked upright._

_“Move in with me, Emma.” Alyssa sat erect, facing Emma, intertwining her hands in hers._

_“Are you sure?” Emma asked tentatively._

_“You’re my person, this is it, I mean I have never been more sure.” Alyssa exclaims. “I want to wake up next to your stupid face every day.” Alyssa gives Emma a quick peck on the cheek._

_“Well, it does sound more practical and convenient.” Emma deadpanned, teasing Alyssa._

_“So, that’s what I am to you? Practical and convenient?” Alyssa was being theatrical as she pouted and crossed her arms over her chest._

_“Well, aside from being the greatest thing that ever happened to me.” Emma fixed her glasses on top of her nose like she always does when she’s nervous._

_“So, I should make arrangements for a U-Haul!” Alyssa bounced up from the sofa._

_“And here I was doubting you for being a lesbian since it took you five months to ask.” Emma smirked._

Alyssa smiled to herself, those moments felt so distant in the past.

Alyssa was lost in thought when she eventually realized that someone was clearing their throat to somehow get her attention. Then she spotted her; long blonde locks cascading over her shoulder, striking face, endearing eyes and legs that span for miles. The woman wore a grey knitted poncho over top but she wore denim shorts and hiking boots. She stood in front of Alyssa, just a meter away from where her tent is pitched. She never really had a type but blondes had always captured her eyes. But at this point, Alyssa was numb to any other feeling. Yes, she used to be a little bit flirty but things had changed, chatting people up had always been the farthest thing in her mind. Plus, the woman looked rather friendly, perhaps it is best not to judge people. After all, she is not in the proper mindset to entertain anything or anyone else. 

“You look lost?” The woman claimed.

Alyssa furrowed her brows. _What did she mean by that?_ “I’m sorry, excuse me…”

“You look lost in thought?” The woman repeated. “Are you? Lost?”

“Aren’t we all are?” Alyssa replied with wit.

The woman smiled at her quite amused. “The name’s Angie.” She extended her hand.

“Alyssa.” Alyssa rejoined with a handshake.

“Would you mind?” Angie motioned for them to sit down on a fallen tree trunk next to Alyssa’s tent. “You’re the first lone female that I have seen today. Some of the guys are just quite eager if you talk to them, if you know what I mean.” Angie winked.

“I think so?” Alyssa grimaced. “Though not everyone out here is probably into that, if you know what I mean.”

“Exactly, I mean, I’m here for a cleanse, I don’t need all that energy clinging on me.” Angie stated. “It’s just everything in my life hasn’t been falling into place, I’m always at the sidelines. I want to feel seen for a change.”

Alyssa chuckled at the thought, she had been in Angie’s place long before.

“Anyway, why are you out here, Alyssa?” Angie inquired rather cautiously. “It’s okay if you would not want to answer that though but I would appreciate hearing from someone who is not my own thoughts.”

There’s something freeing talking to a stranger, it feels like you can put down your walls and never bother building it back up since you might never see them again.

“Is it selfish to admit that I ran away?” Alyssa huffed, finally acknowledging the reality of her situation.

“What were you running away from?” Angie raised an eyebrow.

“Life…” Alyssa thought. “Love.” She added.

“Huh, you must be so messed up to run away from it all. It’s what everybody wants, right?” Angie smirked.

“I just don’t think I deserve it all…I’m just so afraid that I might ruin it all.” Alyssa breathed.

“Yeah, we usually fear the good things because then, we need to work our asses off to deserve it.” Alyssa felt like Angie can see right through her.

“Will we ever?” Alyssa puffed.

“Well, we think that we will never, but the truth is, it’s not always up to us. Sometimes the very idea of running away from it all is exactly why we don’t deserve it.” Angie spoke.

Alyssa looked at her in confusion.

“Cut yourself some slack, it’s not every day that our cup overflows. Life is short, we do not always get what we want but we always stumble upon what we are worthy of. I don’t know you but I guess you can justify all the things that this life throws at you.” Angie laughed quietly.

“I just feel that I have been overly dependent on everyone else. Well, maybe on one person in particular. I just need to feel again, to learn to walk on my own again.” Alyssa explained.

“I probably catch your drift but don’t take too long, Alyssa. Always make sure that you have a home to get back to.” Angie muttered.

“Do you?” Alyssa threw the question back at Angie.

“I always have. I just need to get in touch with my soul from time to time.” Angie flashed a wry smile. “Some people live on the road but it’s not everyone’s cup of tea.”

“I guess you have a point, sometimes everything seems so loud that I couldn’t even hear my own voice. It’s so quiet out here…” Alyssa hugs herself.

“That you only hear yourself.” Angie finished the sentence. “But don’t get me wrong, at some point; we all have to go home.” 

On that note, the two strangers exchange grins, knowing that nothing else needs to be said.

* * *


	2. A Wisp of Smoke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “A great fire burns within me, but no one stops to warm themselves at it, and passers-by only see a wisp of smoke” (Vincent Van Gogh)

* * *

_Last time I heard from him, he moved to Arizona._

Veronica Greene’s voice resounded in Alyssa’s thoughts once again. After that talk last night with Angie, Alyssa spent a lot of time inside her tent thinking about Angie’s words. _Some people live on the road but it’s not everyone’s cup of tea._ However, were does she belong exactly? Where is home? Alyssa asked herself. She pondered upon these thoughts until she eventually fell asleep, giving in to her exhaustion. As soon as the sun had risen, she made herself a cup of coffee and some soup and hopped on her Jeep once again. She knew what she needed to do; she needed to find out for herself. Not finding out why he left had always bothered her; she needed to seek some answers. Then, she can finally go home.

* * *

“It’s finally taking shape!” Kevin exclaimed as he surveyed the newly painted walls around him.

Emma has been working with the renovations for about three months now. She had opted to take a break from work for a while, living off on the royalties of her two recent novels and of course, everything she has saved up. Her publisher did not like the idea, but Emma was undergoing a lot of changes now and she promised him that for sure she would be able to come up with something new after this transition. She had written a lot of notes, mostly about isolation and hurt. Solitude has been her muse recently but she never did put any structure to anything yet. She had spent these past few months working on the house. She felt like she needed a break from all the mental activity of writing and that physical work has helped get her mind off things. She worked on small projects for months, retiling the kitchen, fixing up the cupboards, and painting. There were no major changes; she loved working on the details. She hired an engineer, electrician and plumber to look into the utilities but all the small repairs she tried to do herself. She was inclined to do some carpentry and painting based on her experience shadowing her grandfather in the maintenance of the apartments that he used to rent out.

After the first two months of working alone, she finally gave in, accepting Kevin and Shelby’s help. The couple had always visited her, checking up on her. Kevin was excited to do some handiwork as well; he claimed that it was a good break from his dull day job in an insurance company.

“I can’t believe that you finally live outside of the city now.” Shelby huffed as she opened the front door carrying bags of takeaway food.

“I’m sorry if you guys need to drive all the way out here.” Emma apologized mindlessly as she moved around cans of paint, sorting the empty ones. She was donned in a faded pair of dungarees with a black tank top underneath. She walked around barefoot as most of the floor was covered in plastic tarp.

“Did you get the dumplings that I asked for?” Kevin was already rummaging through the takeout boxes that his wife had placed on a makeshift table.

“Sorry about all the mess, some of the furniture will be coming in next week.” Emma tried to tidy up.

“But this is nice, Em. It’s quiet out here.” Shelby stood in front of the wide window in Emma’s living room facing the indoor garden. “Are you sure you won’t feel so lonely out here?” Shelby turned to look at Emma.

“All I do is sit around a desk and get lost in my thoughts, Shelbs. That’s what I do for living; I guess this is a great place for that.” Emma snickered.

“What are you going to do with all the rooms here, Nolan?” Kevin asked thoughtlessly.

Emma paused for a while, realizing how loaded the question actually was. “So, I have two guest rooms, I don’t think that’s a problem.” Emma managed to joke.

“Well, we can take one if it’s up for grabs.” Kevin quipped, earning a glare from his wife. He responded mouthing a silent, _what?_

“No problem, as long as you help me finish painting the living room today.” Emma kidded but deep inside, she knew that there was this empty void looming upon her. That she somehow felt a pang of hurt being alone in this vacant space, trying so hard to put-on a resilient façade.

Emma thought of the time when everything was less complicated.

_Emma suppressed a heave when she entered the frat house. The house smelled of beer, smoke, sweat, and other stenches that Emma does not wish to know anymore. Graduation ceremonies were looming in the air and this was the first party thrown after the finals. The booming music made the space seemed tighter; Emma’s claustrophobia started to settle in. She closed her eyes periodically to somehow make sure that the blinking lights would not cause her a seizure. Emma has read somewhere that photosensitive seizures may be caused by flickering lights. She did not understand why she came to this place anyway; she survived college without being in constant attendance at parties. But this year was their last and she could not pass up Kevin’s invitation, Kevin who was her best friend since middle school. Emma Nolan and Kevin Shields used to be the geekiest in the bunch; they were a couple of those few who actually had the chance to go to college with full-ride scholarships from their small town. While Emma remained inside the library, theaters, and community centers during their time in the university, Kevin bloomed into a charismatic frat boy. However, he somehow managed to maintain his polite self and witty demeanor._

_While Emma was lost in thought, drifting in a sea of drenched bodies, a familiar voice suddenly called her name. “Hey Emma, Emma over here!” It was Shelby, Kevin’s girlfriend. Shelby is an Applied Mathematics major like Kevin; they met in their first year and were inseparable ever since._

_“Finally!” Emma huffed as she approached Shelby and Kevin. Kevin had an arm draped around Shelby’s shoulder and he was holding a beer in his other hand._

_“You’re late, Nolan. The party started like eons ago!” Kevin yelled._

_“I got caught up with some stuff.” Emma mumbled. The truth was, she had nothing better to do the entire day, she decided to marathon The Lord of the Rings movies in her dorm room and had almost forgotten about the party as soon as The Return of the King had ended._

_“Well, better late than not being here at all.” Shelby snickered as she patted Emma on the shoulder._

_“It’s the last college party of our era, Em. Live a little.” Kevin hailed. “Let me get you a drink.” Kevin was full of energy this evening; he just bounced away like a pinball, leaving Emma with Shelby._

_As soon as Kevin left, Shelby eventually lighted up as she spotted some of her other friends approach them._

_“Hey Shelbs, look who I dragged out here!” Emma knew Kaylee, Shelby’s roommate; she approached them with someone Emma has never met before._

_Emma’s eyes interlocked with the brunette walking behind Kaylee. She wore a black halter-top that revealed firm arms. Her bronzed skin glistened under the dancing lights of green, blue, and magenta. Her wavy tousled hair made her look more striking. She wore a pair of block heel laced up boots and tight jeans. Mesmerizing- was all Emma thought of._

_“Alyssa Greene! Do my eyes deceive me?” Shelby jeered, pretending to rub her eyes. “You finally came out of your cave?” Shelby hopped to hug her friend._

_So, this is Alyssa Greene, she always heard about her from Kevin and Shelby but somehow, their worlds had never converged until then._

_“Well, we’re graduating aren’t we? The worst is probably over!” The brunette exclaimed as she enveloped Shelby in a hug. Emma was just stunned, as the husky voice had somehow matched the appearance._

_“Yeah, Miss-with-Latin-honor!” Kaylee teased._

_It was obvious; the three women standing in front of Emma were probably the most attractive people she met in college. They were physically striking but add intellect, sense of humor, and profound beliefs to the equation and you are set for life. She just hopes that none of them will end up as a trophy wife above someone else’s empty bookcase. Well, if Kevin and Shelby will stick together, she knows that her best friend had found his absolute match. She is not privy to Kaylee and her boyfriend, Nick’s situation but she should not judge. Moreover, Alyssa remains as an absolute mystery; she just hopes and prays to the stars that she ends up with someone well intentioned._

_“Hey, hey! Ms. Greene comes out to play!” Kevin greeted as he handed a bottle of beer to a still unobtrusive Emma._

_“Oh shit! Sorry, Em, I forgot to introduce you.” Shelby realized._

_"As you always do." Kaylee remarked. Alyssa just looked baffled at that statement._

_“No offense taken, I just typically lurk behind the shadows.” Emma scolded herself internally, she sounded like a weirdo. She almost choked in her own saliva when Alyssa finally drew her attention towards her. If Emma knew any better that she would be meeting someone tonight, she could have put on better first-impression clothes. Emma just had an oversized army green jacket over a white top that read ‘if you were a triangle, you’d be acute one’ next to a cartoon of a triangle, torn jeans and white high-tops._

_“Nice shirt.” Alyssa greeted but Emma was just lost for words at this point._

_“Alyssa, meet my weirdo best friend with a nice t-shirt, Emma Nolan, future Hugo awardee.” Kevin draped an arm over Emma’s shoulder._

_“We could aim higher.” Emma mumbled._

_“You’ve written tons of sci-fi, Em.” Kevin wiggled his eyebrows._

_“She’s a creative writing major, the one I told you about.” Shelby gave Alyssa a knowing look. Apparently, Alyssa looked stunned as Shelby’s words sunk in; she only moved to shake Emma’s hand as soon as Shelby prompted her._

_Emma fixed her eyeglasses over the bridge of her nose and shook Alyssa’s hand. “Always heard about you but never met you until then.” Emma just could not stop making herself look bad. She was temporarily distracted by how soft Alyssa’s hand was. She eventually let go of her, not trying to linger too long and look creepy in front of their friends._

_“I think I could say the same about you.” Alyssa grinned._

_“That’s because both of you always have your noses buried in books!” Kaylee commented._

_Alyssa was about to say something when Shelby cut her off. “And don’t say that college is not just about socialization but about finally learning about what you just really want.” Shelby interrupted._

_Before anyone else can make any more snide remarks, an upbeat song started to fill the room._

_“Oh my gosh, Shelbs, it’s our jam!” Kaylee screamed, eventually dragging Shelby towards the dance floor._

_Kevin looked at Emma and Alyssa as the duo disappeared into a sea of people. “Come with?” Kevin gave the most adorable smile._

_“Not a chance, Kev.” Emma shook her head. She already spotted Kaylee and Shelby dancing amusingly, gesticulating for Alyssa to join them._

_“I guess I’ll pass, I think I need a drink.” Alyssa exclaimed for Kevin to hear. On that note, Kevin just nodded in agreement, winked at Emma and hopped towards Kaylee and Shelby._

_Eventually, Emma realized that she was standing alone in the corner with Alyssa. To get rid of the awkwardness, she offered her drink to Alyssa. “I haven’t touched it yet, Kevin got it for me.”_

_Alyssa hesitated but then she took the beer bottle in the end. “Thanks.” She beamed taking a swig; Emma felt a flutter in her stomach._

_Unlike in high school, when Emma was so confused about herself, college proved to be much better. After taking a class on gender and sexuality in her first year, she knew that she was a lesbian. She went on dates and fooled around with a couple of women since her sophomore year but no one was serious about anything. Emma volunteered in outreach programs in the campus LGBT community center, hanging out occasionally with other people aside from Kevin and Shelby. At one point, Emma always reminded herself that she would not fall for any straight girl and so far, she was doing a good job at that, until this perplexing moment with Alyssa Greene._

_“How come we never met until now?” Alyssa’s brows furrowed._

_“I suppose there were several instances when we could have but maybe just because we probably live at the opposite sides of the campus.” Emma recalled some of the other parties Kevin had invited her to over the years. But she does know of Alyssa, she has seen in her in Shelby’s social media. Actually, she may have encountered Alyssa several times on campus, especially in the learning commons and one of the campus coffee shops near the gallery at the art studies department. But she never dared to approach her, especially since they weren’t introduced before by any of their friends._

_“I think I heard about you many times, though.” Alyssa pointed out. “Sometimes Kevin would just blurt out; I think Emma would love this or that Emma would hate that whenever I hung out with him and Shelby.”_

_“Yeah, I’m not surprised he does that. So, you always third wheel with them, too?” Emma sighed._

_“Well, sometimes Kaylee and Nick are there, so that makes me the fifth wheel.” Alyssa rectified._

_“Little miss perfect doesn’t date, huh?” Emma teased. Emma did not have a drop to drink tonight so, she does not understand where her confidence was coming from. However, her gut is telling her not to run around in circles anymore with Alyssa, a lot of opportunities have passed anyway and she could peacefully sleep later confirming that Alyssa is in fact straight and she never had a chance with her to begin with._

_“You did not just call me that.” Alyssa did not look offended but she seems to be playing along._

_“What? Little miss perfect or that no one wants to date you?” Emma badgered._

_“I suppose the former, since I think the existence of an ex-girlfriend would dispute your assumptions regarding the latter.” Alyssa pronounced with a smug grin taking another swig of her beer._

_Emma was caught dumbfounded, she could not think of any witty remark to get back at Alyssa. Did her gaydar just malfunctioned? Was this the reason why Kevin and Shelby had badly wanted her to meet Alyssa a year ago? Whatever Alyssa was, that remark definitely does not make her straight.  
_

_“Plus, you’re quite cocky for someone who’s standing here alone.” Alyssa shook her head._

_“Who says I’m alone?” Emma finally got a hold of herself; she flashed a wide smile at Alyssa and the energy between them had started to change that evening._

“Hey, Em. Where did you go to?” Kevin was waving his hand in front of Emma.

“Huh?” Emma was suddenly back to the half-painted living room.

Kevin and Shelby exchanged knowing looks, perhaps they should indeed set up the guest rooms properly.

* * *

Alyssa had found herself in a musty motel room that evening. She drove for more than four hours and she felt like she needed to rest properly before she tackled everything else. She took a quick shower and she is now staring glumly at a frozen meal that came from the nearby convenience store. A rerun episode of _Friends_ was droning in the small television set as she inspected the soggy fries and the pale-looking burger patties on the cardboard box in front of her. At least, she thought of buying wine, which she drank straight from the bottle. She laughed at the thought; _this was probably the saddest moment in her life,_ spending the evening in a depressed-looking motel with itchy sheets and a cold dinner. This must be her lowest, unparalleled to being in the middle of nowhere, looking up at the stars or perhaps being snuggled under the glow of the television in warm comfortable sheets beside the person she loves most. _Loves, she still loves her,_ she notes.

This was the best moment to cry as everything came full circle that she told herself. She was on top of the world once but now, the ground she stood upon had crumbled beneath her. Everything was supposedly in the right place but she had somehow managed to single-handedly poke a hole through her foundation. 

Alyssa thought of the time when everything was less complicated.

_“You’re going down Gonzales!” Kaylee stood up from their table mocking an equally cocky Shelby across the room._

_It was Trivia Night at Oliver’s and it had been customary for the group to hang out at least once a month after college. Oddly enough, they all stayed in proximity with each other. Alyssa remained at the university juggling graduate school and being a research assistant at the art studies department. Kevin and Shelby had moved in together while Kevin landed a job in an insurance company and Shelby had a work from home arrangement for an asset management and finance company. Emma lived in the same building with Kevin and Shelby while working as a copywriter. Kaylee and Nick had been on and off but Nick was mostly still around. Kaylee’s work with a non-profit entailed a lot of travelling but she never missed a Trivia Night so far._

_“Relax Klein, we got this.” Alyssa whispered._

_They were head to head with Shelby’s team, which included Kevin and Emma. Alyssa was sitting across a pumped up Kaylee and a determined Nick. Alyssa and Emma exchanged stares; Alyssa glared at Emma while Emma was imperturbably munching on peanuts, agitating a competitive Alyssa. Too much was at stake, losers would get to pick up three months’ worth of a running bill, though they only frequented the bar twice a month._

_“I hope you are ready, people!” Trent Oliver’s voice resonated from a small makeshift stage. He sat on a bar stool with a projected screen beside him. “Our first category is art!” Trent called out._

_Alyssa grinned smugly; Kevin shook his head._

_“Les Demoiselles d’Avignon or The Young Ladies of Avignon is a large oil painting created in 1907 by which Spanish artist?” Trent read on._

_“Pablo Picasso!” Alyssa answered as soon as the question was read. Nick patted her on the shoulder, Kaylee danced in her seat._

_“Next, we have animals!” Trent’s voice boomed once again. “The process of making cow’s milk safe for human consumption is called what?”_

_“Pasteurization,” Emma immediately answered._

_The game was on; Alyssa made a gesture, seemingly cracking her knuckles. Emma just smiled haughtily at her from her seat._

_Trent: “Located in Cambodia, what is the largest religious monument in the world?”_

_Kaylee: “Angkor Wat”_

_Trent: “Which former NBA player appeared in a Bruce Lee movie?_

_Nick: “Kareem Abdul Jabbar”_

_Trent: “Which theorem is a fundamental relation in Euclidean geometry among the three sides of a right triangle?”_

_Shelby: “Pythagorean theorem”_

_Trent: “When used in the kitchen, sodium bicarbonate is more commonly known as what?”_

_Emma: “Baking soda”_

_Trent: “When referring to a website’s address was does the acronym URL stand for?”_

_Kevin: “Uniform Resource Locator”_

_Trent: “Released in 1941, what is the only Disney animated feature film with a title character that never speaks?”_

_Alyssa: “Dumbo”_

_Trent: “Which band’s name is also a reference to a large German airship, cylindrical in shape?”_

_Emma: “Led Zeppelin”_

_Trent: “Which American architect designed the Guggenheim Museum in New York?”_

_Alyssa: “Frank Lloyd Wright”_

_As the game continued, Alyssa was fidgeting in her seat. She was becoming more anxious as both groups maintained a tie. Notwithstanding the knowledge of their group, there was more at stake for her than just financial gain or bragging rights. She could not let Emma win this one._

_“Alright, this last question determines our game folks!” Trent declared._

_Emma smiled at her from across the table, Alyssa knew she was taunting her; Emma will not get away with this._

_“Our last category is literature!” Trent read from the paper that he drew. Emma made a toothy grin; Kevin and Shelby pat her on the back. Trent took a deep breath before reading the question. “In George Orwell’s Animal Farm, what was the name of the pig lead…?”_

_“Napoleon!” Emma exclaimed before Trent could even finish the question._

_“There it is, we have our winners, folks!” Trent declared._

_Kaylee looked exasperated and Nick just sighed. Kevin and Shelby were jumping around bragging in front of the opposite team. Alyssa just remained in her seat, thunderstruck; Emma was wiggling her eyebrows at her._

_“Woohoo! That’s it Klein, open bar tonight!” Shelby taunted her best friend._

_“Don’t get used to it, Gonzales; rules say we can still turn the tables around next month.” Kaylee refuted as they moved towards the bar._

_As their other friends returned to their booth, Alyssa remained seated, Emma walked up to her._

_“So, does our deal still stand, Greene?” Emma sat beside Alyssa, almost whispering._

_“Ugh, you’re lucky you’re cute!” Alyssa heaved a sigh, rolling her eyes._

_Emma then scooted closer to Alyssa and whispered something to her ear. Alyssa just looked shocked, whatever they were up to that night, their friends were in the dark. It was something clandestine and thinking about it had always made Alyssa’s stomach churn. The rest of their evening became pretty eventful, much to Alyssa’s delight. Unbeknownst to their friends, they had been hooking up for months already. But it was during the following morning of that night when Kevin went down to Emma’s apartment to borrow some sugar that he confirmed everything because a very tired-looking Alyssa opened the door for him in nothing but Emma’s oversized sleep shirt._

Alyssa smiled at the thought; how she wish, everything could just simply go back to what it once were. She put away her unfinished dinner and slumped back towards the bed, the humming of the television lulling her to sleep.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have decided to make another update. This might end up as a roller coaster ride of emotions, I will try my best to make this worth your while. Let me know what you think about this in the comments section. Thank you for reading!


	3. The Loneliest Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.” (F. Scott Fitzgerald)

* * *

There is something unnerving about nostalgia. It makes you feel like you have drifted so far away only to go back to a certain point where everything seems au fait. Cowering in a safe place is not that bad; the familiar nippy autumn breeze from the window, the scent of rosemary and cinnamon, and the warmth that red brick tiles gave off in her grandmother’s kitchen. There is also something earnest about taking your coffee in a clay mug or brewing tea in good china instead of stopping by a shop or standing in front of a vending machine. Emma looked around the house that she grew up, everything was still intact, and every detail was still in place. There is always a basket of fresh fruits by the kitchen countertop, an old wooden clock that rang eerily every hour, and the apple red plaid kitchen café curtains that hung above the farmhouse sink; everything was still in one piece.

As the copper kettle boiled above the stove, Emma’s reverie was broken. She went to retrieve it, pouring some hot water in a white ceramic teapot as hints of chamomile tea dissipated in the air. There is something striking about getting lost in mundane tasks and Emma was doing just that, staring at the water inside the teapot as some color began to seep through the liquid. She adjusted the black beanie that she had over her head; it matched her grey sweater well.

“You’re staring blankly in space again.” Emma was almost startled by a voice that came from the threshold.

“Well, there’s nothing else left to do.” Emma mumbled under her breath.

Betsy Nolan stared at her granddaughter dolefully. She was wearing a wool sweater that also matched her pants. She threaded gradually towards her granddaughter as if she was walking on eggshells. Betsy had been careful with her words; she did not really know where Emma stood in the topic concerning her relationship with Alyssa. She adored both women so much that she never imagined that they would ever come to this.

“Will you come back on Thanksgiving?” Betsy speculated.

“It’s still a month away, gran.” Emma murmured.

“So?” Betsy raised an eyebrow. “Are you saying that a lot can happen in a month? Doesn’t mean that we can make plans already, after all, you always spent all your Thanksgivings here.”

Emma was caught unguarded by the question. In fact, Thanksgiving was always spent with Betsy, even when she and Alyssa were together; they always took the trip to visit Betsy.

Emma’s silence prompted Betsy to keep on talking. “I don’t want you to be alone during the holidays.”

“I won’t be alone.” Emma huffed. But who was she kidding, she couldn’t expect Kevin and Shelby to always be there for her, they are building their own lives. Emma cannot stick around third wheeling again, especially now that they have done so much for her already. It also seemed pathetic that she felt lonelier than her ageing grandmother did.

“Who are you going to be with? That big new house of yours with so many rooms?” Betsy scoffed.

“Isn’t this place the same thing?” Emma laughed quietly.

“This place is not the same thing, Emma. This place has stood its ground, it is filled with memories may it be happy or unfortunately, sad. I may be alone here at most times but it’s not an empty chamber echoing silence.” Betsy muttered. “I know that house is supposed to be a metaphor or something but you built yourself a cage. A fence around yourself where you just choose to wallow and disappear. Don’t think that I don’t know you Emma Nolan, I practically raised you.”

Since Emma’s parents passed away from a tragic car accident when Emma was only twelve years old, her grandparents, George and Betsy Nolan took her in. Emma did miss her parents periodically but she did not feel like an orphan to some extent. George always took her fishing; they did gardening and fixed small appliances in their garage. She helped Betsy around the house and going to the grocer or the market was a joy for Emma. Whoever she is now, she owned it to her grandparents. George died when Emma was in high school; he got cancer. This place meant so much to Emma, in a boundless magnitude that she could not even fathom. But some years ago, she thought about this house and thought about building her own. Building a home with Alyssa, just like what George and Betsy had done for her.

“It’s a quiet place, gran. It’s a place where I can work.” Emma finally huffed. Emma thought that _home_ had meant differently to her at this point.

“Bullshit! You choose to suddenly get away from all of us, living far from your friends, living far away from me. I’m telling you, beating yourself up will not do you any good.” Betsy exclaimed. 

“You don’t understand…” Emma struggled to take breaths. “It was not supposed to be this way.”

“What do you mean?” Betsy eventually realized that Emma had kept something from her for quite a while.

“It was supposed to be our home…” Emma whispered. “A place to settle in.”

“Did she know about this?” Betsy furrowed her brows, worry painted on her face.

“I was supposed to tell her…well…after…” Emma tried to compose herself fighting off tears. “But none of it matters now.”

“Oh, Emma, come here.” Betsy moved to hug her granddaughter. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I wanted it to be a surprise but then again I never knew that I was the one dazed about everything else in the end.” Emma mumbled in her grandmother’s shoulder.

“Is this what you both wanted?” Betsy probed as she rubbed her granddaughter’s back. “I always thought that your lives revolved in the city; your work, your friends, your routines.”

“Well, thankfully I never found out about it.” Emma whimpered. “I just thought we were at the point where we wanted to settle down, being just us, somewhere.”

Again, _it was not supposed to end up like this,_ Emma thought.

_“This is how you are supposed to do it first.” Alyssa had set several small containers on the kitchen table._

_“This is a puzzle, Lys, not a picnic.” Emma chuckled as she watched how systematic her girlfriend was being. Alyssa was mostly organized; she always had a set schedule, a routine, a way to manage things. Emma had Veronica Greene to thank for that._

_“Look, you group all the similar colored pieces in these small Tupperwares so that we don’t lose any pieces. These things are sealed, so every piece is safe. You don’t want to find out how livid I get when we end up losing a piece.” Alyssa looked proud of her system._

_“And I was thinking that I was already so clever knowing the trick of separating the edge pieces first.” Emma snickered._

_Emma and Alyssa were about to work on a 2000-piece Garden of Earthly Delights by Hieronymus Bosch puzzle that Alyssa already had laying around her apartment. Alyssa loved working on artwork puzzles like pieces by Klimt, Van Gogh, and Kandinsky whereas Emma was just used to working with everyday pieces that usually had animals, especially cats, landscapes, and flowers in them. Well, generally, Emma worked on smaller puzzle pieces with her grandmother, that is all the training she got._

_“How long do you think this would take us?” Emma looked bemused._

_“It’s not a sprint, babe, it’s a marathon. I like to take my time.” Alyssa answered without bothering to look up as she had already started grouping the pieces. “Plus, this gives us something fun to do.”_

_Emma smiled charmingly at her unmindful girlfriend who was already in the zone. She sat opposite Alyssa quietly, noting how cute Alyssa looks when she is preoccupied. Alyssa was wearing a loose grey sweater, sweat pants, and her hair was tied in a messy ponytail. Emma sat on the other side of the table in a colorful sweater and sweat pants._

_“So, is this it?” Emma mumbled._

_“Hmm?” Alyssa was still busy with her task._

_“Is our honeymoon phase over? Are we entering the territory of lesbian bed death where we spend all day making puzzles and end up dozing off in a couch after the opening credits of a random movie that we are not even interested in.” Emma slurred._

_“What did you just say?” Emma finally caught Alyssa’s attention and she had the goofiest smile on her face._

_“I guess we are boring now.” Emma stated sarcastically._

_“So, what’s wrong with boring?” Alyssa badgered. “You don’t see the point of this, do you?”_

_“Being boring has a point?” Emma crossed her arms over her chest._

_“I like being boring with you, babe.” Alyssa chuckled. “Plus, finishing puzzles just give me a certain gratification.”_

_“Better than an orgasm?” Emma joked nervously._

_“Well…” Alyssa pretended that she was mulling it over, teasing Emma._

_Emma just gave her a concerned look. This made Alyssa stand up from her seat and eventually sit over Emma’s lap facing her, cupping her cheeks with her hands._

_“Sometimes boring is what I am, boring is what we are. Weirdly enough, I am myself when I am with you Emma Nolan. I don’t care if we are having a weekend sex marathon that might stress me out with face hickeys the following Monday or that I could just sit here with you and snuggle with a good book, watch a boring heteronormative romcom, or have a 2000-piece puzzle spread out on the kitchen table. Everything is simple with you and all the simple things about you just astound me every waking day.” Alyssa placed a soft peck on tip of Emma’s nose._

_“How did I ever find someone who is equally as weird as I am?” Emma beamed._

_“I could say the same about you.” Alyssa winked at Emma before she pulled her into a hard kiss._

_“You’re a weirdo.” Emma broke the kiss._

_“I’m your weirdo.” Alyssa pulled her in again._

“So, tell me honestly, are you still expecting her to come back?” Betsy’s question was loaded, Emma knew the answer to it but she could not imagine her life just in case she was wrong.

“Honestly, I really don’t know.” Emma sighed.

“It has been almost five months, dear.” Betsy realized. “Have you heard from her, anything?”

Emma shook her head from side to side.

“Look, sometimes things just start to fall in our plate and we have the tendency to get so overwhelmed. This unease starts to sink in once we start to take those crucial steps in our life. Whatever Alyssa’s reason is, I know I will not condone it for whatever she has done to you. Nevertheless, you know her and believe it or not, I know that you know exactly why she just left. It’s just you either simply accept the reality of any catastrophic outcome or finally do something about it. Staying cooped up inside your own bubble and guarding yourself against the unknown will not do you any good, love.” Betsy lectured.

If there was one person who had the guts to be blunt with Emma, it was her grandmother.

“Thank you, gran.” Emma enveloped her grandmother into another hug. Betsy just gave her granddaughter a worried smile.

“Now, go pour me some tea before it gets cold.” Betsy remarked.

* * *

Alyssa found herself standing in front of a two-story house with dark roof shingles and washed white sidings. The lawn looked trimmed and there were a couple of small plants scattered on both sides of a gravel pathway. The small windows of its façade obscured the house from the rest of its surroundings. Alyssa pulled out her phone and checked a text from her mother to make sure that she was at the right place. Her boots crunched on the gravel, she tried to tidy up her appearance, and she was wearing a pair of dark jeans and a denim top that seemed to be the most decent thing she packed. She gulped as she approached the rustic-looking wooden front door of the structure. Alyssa managed a soft knock before her nerves got in the way. She fiddled with her fingers as she heard footsteps approaching the doorway.

“Hey, can I help you?” A young man, probably just a few years younger than Alyssa opened the door. He had a neat buzz cut, he wore a dark graphic t-shirt and distressed jeans. For a while, two sets of seemingly identical brown eyes looked knowingly at each other.

“Hi,” Alyssa finally mustered a reply. “Is this where Ricky Cutler lives?” Alyssa asked tentatively.

“And you are?” The man looked at her from head to toe.

Internally, Alyssa panicked, at some point, she knew that her father had moved on and remarried but she was not prepared for this. She was not prepared to see him with his new family. Not that she had vivid memories of him; he left them when she was only two years old. But realizing that you somehow could have experienced someone else’s life seemed unsettling. 

“I’m Alyssa, Alyssa Greene.” Alyssa somehow wished that this person knew her but the person at the door was simply regarding her as a stranger.

“Just wait here.” The man gestured before he disappeared back into the house.

Alyssa felt another rush of panic, _what was she doing here?_ Surely, it was not too late to just turn back and to drive away to somewhere else. _What was she doing seeking out her father like this? Did he want to see her? After all these years, did he want anything to do with her? Does he even remember her?_

Before she could even make another rash decision, the young man reappeared with a middle-aged man in tow. Though Alyssa could not really picture out how he looked exactly, she knew that this was he. Dressed in a plaid shirt and a vest, khaki pants, and brown shoes. Ricky Cutler was finally standing in front of Alyssa after almost three decades. 

“Alyssa?” Ricky’s eyes went wide and if Alyssa was not mistaken, she saw tears escape the wrinkly corners of his eyes. “Jared, remember I told you about your older sister?” Ricky addressed the other man. Jared just nodded with furrowed brows in reply. “This is your sister, Alyssa.”

Jared stared at her with big brown eyes once more. “I think I’m glad to finally put a face to those stories.” Jared extended his hand.

_How long had her mother been talking to her father? What kind of stories did Jared hear about her?_

“Well, I guess I should leave you both to talk, I need to go to the store anyway.” Jared shook her hand as he headed out.

“Jared is already in college. His brother is already married and has moved to Canada.” Ricky was telling her matter of factly. “Their mother is at our store, we own a convenience store.”

Alyssa was walking in Ricky Cutler’s house as if she was in a dream. His presence draws a memory from Alyssa.

_When Alyssa came out in high school, it took Veronica Greene some time to wrap her head around the idea that her daughter was gay. But after several months of awkward talks and reading psychology articles to educate herself, Veronica Greene finally accepted her daughter as she is. Now, Alyssa finds herself enjoying dinner at her mother’s favorite restaurant with her girlfriend seated beside her._

_Alyssa pinched herself several times making sure that she was not hallucinating. That her mother is in fact sharing embarrassing stories of her childhood to her girlfriend._

_“She was extremely overbearing as a child, she loved bossing her friends around.” Veronica Greene chuckled before she took a sip of her wine._

_“I can tell you that much hasn’t changed.” Emma sniggered as she took a bite of her steak._

_They were talking about Alyssa as if she was not there._

_“Well, I could have seen the signs earlier. You see she had this piano teacher when she was seven, Ms. Coleman…” Veronica started with another story._

_“Oh my gosh, mom!” Alyssa realized what her mother was about to share._

_Emma was amused at her girlfriend’s sudden panic. “Please do continue.” Emma urged._

_“Well, I believe that Alyssa’s first crush was Ms. Coleman. You see, she was always so eager when it was time for her lessons. She also urged me to buy gifts for Ms. Coleman for her birthday and the holidays. I guess the most endearing thing she got for her was a cross-stitch of a teddy bear that she did herself.” Veronica looked proud of herself._

_Alyssa was already beet red, it is not like she loved how Emma and her mother were getting along but if all these were at her expense, and it was not entertaining at all._

_“Wow, I never knew Alyssa had the hots for older women.” Emma joked. “Come to think of it, maybe she’s just with me because sometimes I look like a grandma.” Count on Emma for self-deprecating humor._ _  
_

_This was met by laughter from Veronica. “Oh, Lys, why did you keep this girl from me for so long?”_

_“Well, the universe seemed to have kept her from me for so long.” Alyssa muttered._

_Alyssa and Emma shared meaningful glances._

_“Thank you for raising a wonderful human being, ma’am.” Emma placed her hand on top of Alyssa’s that was resting on the table._

_“Well, we did have some misgivings along the way; I can’t say that I can take full credit for everything that she is.” Veronica grasped._

_“Oh, give yourself some credit, mom. You raised me single-handedly. We did learn a lot from each other but I wouldn’t be here today without you.” Alyssa smiled endearingly at her mother._

_Emma knew better than to probe about Alyssa’s other parent. They had so many bedroom conversations about Alyssa’s childhood, her mother, and a father that Alyssa could barely remember. Alyssa knew that there was a divorce, that custody was never contested, that Veronica chose to raise her without any kind of support, that Veronica changed her name back to Greene and Alyssa’s as well. But one thing had always boggled her and even her mother could not give her a straight answer, why did her father leave?_

_What did Veronica do to make him leave? What did they do to make him leave?_

“Why did you leave?” Alyssa was now seated in Ricky Cutler’s living room. He sat opposite her in an odd-looking lounge chair that appeared to be only for his use.

“You want to know the truth or should I tell you the same thing that I tell everyone else.” Ricky deliberated.

“You had thirty years beating around the bush; I think at this point, I at least deserve an honest answer.” Alyssa deadpanned. 

Ricky chuckled for a while and this bothered Alyssa. Then he fixed his posture, his back straighter. “You are really like her, in so many ways, blunt, straight to the point.” Ricky cleared his throat. “You know, I guess your life could have turned out differently if I stuck around.”

“You guess?” Alyssa sounded sarcastic at this point.

“Listen,” Ricky cleared his throat again. “Your mother and I, we married at a young age. We were so in love Alyssa, college sweet hearts, perhaps you know what that felt like.”

Alyssa could only nod. However, technically she got together with Emma right after college.

“We had everything set out for us, I got a job. We got a house, we got married, and we had you. Veronica wanted to stay at home to take care of you full time, so, I let her.” Ricky continued. “But as the months went on, we were starting to drown in our own cesspool. Veronica would not admit to it but she knew that I had always held her back. You see, I wasn’t the smartest, the most attractive, the funniest, or the wealthiest. I was just the nicest and at that time, she thought that nice was good enough. We could have tried to stay together but the mediocrity of it all was eating us up inside.”

Ricky paused for a while; Alyssa realized how perhaps every feeling was flooding back to him all at once. She could tell that her father was perhaps not such a bad person after all.

“Though she did not say anything, I could tell that she was unhappy with me, I could sense that she was deteriorating. The only time that I saw her happy was when she was with you. She was never happy with me; you know how I found out?” Ricky huffed. “She looked at you like you were the most precious thing; she never looked at me that way. She never did, not even from the start.”

Alyssa knew what her father was talking about.

“I know I messed up and what I did was not the noblest thing, it was stupid and irresponsible. But I loved your mother, Alyssa, don’t get me wrong and I needed to take a step to make her see things clearly. I held her back from a career, from a life that should have made sense. We spent months never having meaningful conversations and we both know that that was not how it is supposed to be. We all deserve to be with someone who sees us every day as how we are and never lose interest in what we are thinking, what we are feeling, and what we are dreaming about and vice versa. We had different visions of our lives and if we stuck together, one of us would only give in to make the other happy. I did not want that for her, she deserves the world and you were her world at that time and I guess, you still are.” At this point, Alyssa was already sniffling. “I had to go at that time; I needed to show her what life could be without me holding her back. I offered support, I wanted to be there for you as well but Veronica was not ready to be friends with me at that point. She just wanted you and so I let her. I know what I did was something unforgiveable, we should not have made that decision for you but then when you were in college, she let me in again. It was a slow process but she filled me in about your life, I just thought that abruptly reemerging might just cause some imbalance and might cause you pain, I did not want that. So, I waited for you, waited for you to seek me out and here you are. I’m so sorry if I have the track record of being a bullshit father to you.” 

“How about you? Didn’t you want me?” Alyssa finally whispered.

“There wasn’t a day that I did not think of you. I know nothing I say can take back what I did. But I just couldn’t let myself come back to your life and not stay. After the divorce, I allowed myself to build another life and I could not pretend that I was ever a semblance of a father to you. What I did may be unforgivable but I’m always ready to suffer from that.” Ricky reasoned.

“You can’t always play martyr, you know that, right?” Alyssa detested her father but somehow, she understood things now.

“There’s a very thin line between martyrdom and cowardice. You’re a martyr if you know that walking away would make someone you love happy but you’re a coward if you still manage to walk away just because you don’t trust yourself with the love you have. I always thought that I was just a coward but then I realized that Veronica and I are actually happy where we ended up.” Ricky appreciated.

Alyssa thought deeply about what her father had said.

“You know, you were wrong when you said I’m like her.” Alyssa gathered. “I’m nothing like my mother; I think I’m actually more like you.”

“You’re nothing like me.” Ricky countered. “I agreed when she changed your name, you’re nothing like me, you’re not a Cutler, you were always a Greene. You are Veronica’s daughter, you are brave, Alyssa and you will do the right thing because you know what will make you happy.”

Alyssa did not know if her father was privy to what was happening to her life at the moment but his words had struck a chord and it resonated what she was currently thinking of. 

* * *


	4. If Only You Were

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So many people are shut up tight inside themselves like boxes, yet they would open up, unfolding quite wonderfully, if only you were interested in them." (Sylvia Plath)

* * *

“Thank you for meeting me here.” Alyssa muttered at the woman seated in front of her.

They were in a small hotel. It was not anything fancy, nothing too shabby either. It was a lodging space in the city, the type that tourists on a budget would stay in for short vacations. The floors were clean, the walls in crisp white, it was well lighted and there was not a lot of facilities except for the necessary dining space which served as the breakfast area and coffee shop. They were seated across each other at the lobby.

“So, this is your life now? Staying in obscure hotels?” The woman implied.

“Well, sometimes in rundown motels, sometimes in campsites, sometimes inside my car.” Alyssa joked.

The woman looked at her wide-eyed. “Don’t ever do this again.” The woman’s voice was stern; she remained placid in her seat. Alyssa could not read her vague expression, her jaw hung tight and her stare was piercing. “Don’t ever disappear on us.”

“I talked to Shelby once, she knew I was safe. As well as my mother but I asked her not to say anything.” Alyssa whispered.

“Where did you go, Lys?” The woman’s expression was eased now.

“Here and there, I just needed to go away for a while.” Alyssa’s answer remained nebulous.

“Going away for a while? Is that what you call it?” The woman scoffed. “Going away for a while means that you go for a couple of days or weeks on a trip for work or leisure or going back to your parent’s house or somewhere to clear your head. You disappeared on us for months without a trace, Lys! That isn’t going away for a while.” The woman was suddenly livid again.

“I couldn’t breathe, Kay. I just needed to get out.” Alyssa tried to compose herself, the lobby was mostly empty except for the lone receptionist at the front counter who was not paying any attention to them but Alyssa was not so keen in making a scene, she knew that this meeting with Kaylee was going to be emotional.

“So, you quit your job, cashed in all your savings and just upped and left?” Kaylee muttered. “We tried to look for you, Lys. Don’t you know how devastated Emma was?”

“Don’t you think I already figured that out for myself?” Alyssa sighed, slumping back onto her seat.

“So, what’s your plan? Are you going back to Emma? She has moved out from your old apartment by the way. Shelby brought your things at my place, since I got more space. She and Kevin are converting one of the rooms in their apartment but I guess we can talk about that some other time.” Kaylee’s appearance softened.

“Emma left the apartment?” Alyssa thought of how much she missed that space and that she is not going to have the chance to see it again after she left.

_Alyssa had a long day at work; her boss Dee Dee Allen was curating the annual city art fair. Since Alyssa was pursuing arts management, she was taking care of all the coordination for Dee Dee. To make things worse, the elevators at their building were under maintenance again. Going up to the fifth floor was not an easy stride; Alyssa could only imagine what it meant to those who lived on the twentieth floor. As tired as she was, she had no choice but to trek through all the five floors. Alyssa was almost out of breath as she reached the apartment’s door. She unlocked the door languidly, removed her leather backpack and placed it on the floor, took off her coat and shoes and tucked them immediately in the closet. Alyssa could hear a familiar tune resound from the kitchen. As she walked closer, she saw the most beautiful scene that had managed to erase all the weariness that she had been carrying all day._

_Dressed in her underwear comprised of a sheer white t-shirt, a pair of dark boxer shorts was none other than a quirky Emma Nolan. She had a canvas apron on and a red headscarf that tamed her blonde locks. Emma was singing and dancing in front of the stove as she stirred something in the pot._

_We drove to Cali_

_And got drunk on the beach_

_Got a motel and_

_Built a fort out of sheets_

_I finally found you_

_My missing puzzle piece_

_I'm complete_

_Alyssa just crossed her arms, leaned her body on the doorjamb at the threshold and continued to observe Emma. Alyssa was still in her navy button-down, tucked in a black pair of slim fit pants and her dark socks. Alyssa was amused at Emma’s antics as she moved back to the island counter and continued chopping vegetables._

_Let's go all the way tonight_

_No regrets, just love_

_We can dance until we die_

_You and I_

_We'll be young forever_

_As Emma hit the high note, Alyssa could not contain herself anymore, a snort escaped her, and this got Emma’s attention._

_“Oh shit, I thought you’d be home a little later.” Emma looked panicked._

_“It’s already late, babe.” Alyssa pointed at the wall clock; it read nine o’clock._

_“Don’t worry; this might take maybe fifteen minutes or so.” Emma went back to the pot again and then she lowered the volume of the Bluetooth speaker from her phone that was laying on the kitchen counter. “So, how was your day?”_

_“I’d rather we talk about your day.” Alyssa moved behind Emma as the blonde continued chopping vegetables. Alyssa rested her chin on Emma’s shoulder and she hugged her from behind. At that point, Alyssa knew she could stay in this moment forever. Another carefree evening with Emma, without all the weight of the world. She felt safe here, inside the apartment with Emma. She inhaled deeply, she could smell the scent of fresh laundry mixed with the hints of herbs, it calmed her._

_“You don’t want to talk about it?” Emma put away the knife and faced her; her eyeglasses were slightly askew._

_“Thinking about work just makes me tired.” Alyssa sighed, bumping her forehead with Emma’s._

_“Okay, but you do know that I’m here whenever you need me.” Emma gave her a soft peck._

_“Thank you, babe.” Alyssa looked into those hazel eyes intently and then it hit her. She knew at that point, what she really felt about Emma. They had been living together for months but they have not really talked about many things. Emma often expressed her affection with gestures of service like picking up Alyssa’s dry cleaning, cooking a great meal, going to places with Alyssa, often doing things that she did not like for Alyssa. On the other hand, Alyssa was more physical in nature, she liked touching Emma, and she liked making her feel good from backrubs to the bedroom. However, they were not big with words but they often found ways to express themselves. At this point, Alyssa knew that Emma finally needed to hear how much she really mattered to her._

_“I love you, Emma Nolan.” Alyssa whispered, her gaze fixed on Emma._

_Alyssa saw how those hazel eyes glinted with hints of green and gold. “Say that again?”_

_“I love you and I need you as much as I want you every day.” Alyssa repeated._

_Emma flashed her a warm smile. “I always thought that I was going to say it first but I often overthink about the right time.”_

_Alyssa raised an eyebrow. “So, you aren’t going to say it back?”_

_Emma chuckled and then she beamed again. “I love you, too. So, I guess you’re stuck with me now.” Emma enveloped her arms around Alyssa’s waist and pulled her in for a kiss._

_The kiss got a little deeper but then they were startled by the steaming pot as some of its contents had started to spill._

_“Holy shit!” Emma jumped to lower the flame, Alyssa just giggled at the scene._

_“Is our food still good or do we need to order in?” Alyssa leaned on the kitchen counter._

_Emma took a taste of the food. “It’s still good; I’m making gran’s Irish beef stew recipe.”_

_“I’ll go set up the table then.” Alyssa declared._

_“Oh no, you don’t!” Emma soared. “Why don’t you go to the bath? I have a surprise for you.” Emma dragged her girlfriend towards the corridor._

_Alyssa just smirked at Emma as she walked towards the bathroom. As she opened the door, she realized that the lights were dim. Then she gathered that Emma had already drew her a warm bath. There were several vanilla scented candles on the counter, her favorite bath salts, her fluffy robe and slippers, and a small bottle of gin spread out in the bathroom. Alyssa just shook her head in awe; she could not believe how lucky she is to be with Emma Nolan._

“Can I stay with you for a while, Kay?” Alyssa came back from her thought.

“I thought you would never ask.” Kaylee smiled timidly.

“But just for a short while, I’ll try to sort everything out.” Alyssa huffed.

“You can stay as long as you need, Lys.” Kaylee reached out for Alyssa’s hand. “I need to go to Boston for an assignment next week but I’ll definitely be around, we can get your stuff at Shelby’s and I can give you the spare key.”

“Will that be okay with Nick?” Alyssa remembered.

Kaylee just smiled again. “Like I told you, I got space. Nick moved out months ago, we broke up.”

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry, Kay!” Alyssa jolted up. “I’m such an awful friend, thinking only of myself.” Alyssa apologized.

“There’s nothing to be worried of. I mean, we were doomed to begin with, I just held on for as long as I could but then that was stupid. Nick does not get it, my work, why I needed to travel periodically. He finally admitted fooling around with someone else, I give that to him.” Kaylee muttered with relief rather than spite. “Plus, you have a lot to worry about, Lys. I actually feel better now, how things ended with Nick, it’s actually quite liberating.”

“Still, I’m a shit friend.” Alyssa realized. “But I guess I’m here now, I’ll try to be better.”

“Fix your shit first; we’ll deal with my shit later.” Kaylee pointed out.

* * *

“You both look uncharacteristically happy.” Emma noticed as she sat on Kevin and Shelby’s breakfast nook. The couple had invited her over for dinner at their apartment. Kevin was preparing some pasta in the small kitchen opposite the nook and Shelby was pouring some wine for Emma.

“Should we tell her now or should we wait until dinner?” Kevin looked at his wife.

Emma noticed that Shelby handed her a glass of wine but she just took a goblet of water from herself. She remained passive with Kevin’s remark but suddenly Emma had started to figure things out.

“You’re not going to tell me that you’re finally pregnant, aren’t you?” Emma pronounced.

Shelby gave her husband another look before she answered with another question. “Why are you so clever, Emma Nolan?”

“Holy shit!” Emma jumped from her seat to give Shelby and tight hug, Kevin joined them soon after.

Kevin and Shelby had been married for about six years now; they had been trying to conceive for years. They went to see many doctors, tried various methods but a lot of it eventually led to heartbreak. Emma knew that they finally stopped trying last year, so this news just actually came as a welcomed surprise.

“Finally! You guys are going to be parents! No one else deserves this gift more than you two.” Emma exclaimed.

“It didn’t dawn to me at first, when I missed my period; I just thought that I was stressed.” Shelby shared.

“Wow, just wow! Gosh, I’m so excited for you guys.” Emma expressed her glee.

Then it dawned at Emma, Kevin and Shelby will be moving on with the next chapter of their lives. They would need more time to focus on their kid, shape their family and that meant that they would no longer just be Kevin and Shelby anymore. They would probably visit Emma less, they would probably see each other less but all because they were finally going to build their own new home. Her grandmother was right, was Emma ready to face her life alone, away from everybody else?

“I’m converting the spare room into a nursery; I guess we are not yet done with the renovation work.” Kevin mused.

“This time, I’ll be helping you paint those walls.” Emma offered.

Shelby has been quiet for a while, Emma and Kevin noticed.

“I just can’t believe this is actually happening.” Shelby realized.

“You guys are going to be great parents.” Emma muttered.

“And you’re going to be this kiddo’s godparent!” Kevin declared.

“Well, Kevin and I talked about it. There is no one else we trust, Em. You had been constantly in our lives. No one else knows us better than you do.” Shelby pointed out.

However, Emma knew that there was someone else, Emma knew that Alyssa was also constantly in Kevin and Shelby’s lives, until she disappeared. Emma was supposed to do things with Alyssa, supposed to move on to the next chapter with her. Now, Emma knows that she needs to prepare herself to face the music alone.

“I’m honored that you guys thought of me.” Emma accepted the undertaking.

After all, Kevin and Shelby had always been there for her.

_Emma sulked in the backseat of Kevin’s car. Kevin had already stepped out with Shelby, handing out the keys to the valet._

_“Let’s go, Em.” Shelby opened the door for Emma._

_“Well, this place looks fancy.” Kevin looked at the façade of the building._

_They were in a historical site, one of the key Art Deco buildings in the city. The structure housed a gallery and Alyssa’s adviser, Dee Dee Allen was hosting a show for some of the art students at the university. Alyssa invited her friends to join her; she had been assisting her adviser in this project._

_Kaylee and Nick already informed them that they were inside. Emma decided to catch a ride with Kevin and Shelby. Alyssa and she had been hooking up for months now but Emma does not know where she really stands. She knew that she was more than a friend, maybe because they were sleeping together but she did not know if she was indeed just a friend who spent nights in Alyssa’s bed._

_“Are you okay, Em?” Shelby hooked an arm over Emma’s. Shelby wore a nice black dress that matched Kevin’s black shirt and Oxford trousers._

_Emma fixed her sleeves; she wore a white button-up, a scarf, and dark pants. “I just don’t like fancy parties.” Emma murmured under her breath._

_“C’mon, it’s just a bunch of university dorks and maybe a couple of art snobs. We know art; we can carry a highbrow conversation.” Shelby joked._

_“Also, there’s free wine, so you could just get drunk and stare at people weirdly so that they don’t talk to you.” Kevin laughed._

_“You both are full of shit, you really deserve each other.” Emma whined as they entered the hall._

_Emma was suddenly overwhelmed with all the lights and the throng of people but Shelby pulled her close and the couple in both sides flanked her._

_Emma often had social anxiety; she just did not like to be in awkward social situations so she was always grateful to be in Kevin and Shelby’s charming company. However, Emma’s thoughts was suddenly broken and she heard the familiar laughter across the room. As if a sea of people had parted, her gaze had zeroed in to none other than Alyssa Greene. Alyssa was wearing a deep red suit ensemble and her tresses fell loosely over her shoulders. As if she felt her friends walk in, she glowed as she walked over towards the trio excusing herself from the people she was previously talking with._ _  
_

_“You guys are finally here!” Alyssa gave the trio hugs but she lingered longer with Emma._ _  
_

_“Wow, congratulations, girl!” Shelby hugged Alyssa again._

_“You clean up well, Greene.” Kevin joked._

_Emma just gave Alyssa a timid smile not knowing what else to say._

_“Well, I’m just a peon in this whole fiasco. For now, I am just a schmoozer. Some of these artists here are not so articulate yet.” Alyssa took a sip of champagne from the flute in her hand. “Oh, you can just go grab drinks.” Alyssa motioned for a waiter who was carrying drinks._

_“Don’t mind if we partake.” Kevin grabbed a glass of wine for himself and Shelby. Kevin muttered thanks._

_“Thank you.” Emma did the same thing for herself and showed gratitude to the waiter._

_“Have you seen Kaylee and Nick?” Shelby wondered._

_“They said hello a while ago, maybe they are just admiring the art?” Alyssa implied._

_“Well, we should maybe take a look around, too. After all, you have some schmoozing to do.” Kevin jeered._

_“Yeah, I’ll catch up with you guys later.” Alyssa agreed._

_Emma moved to follow Kevin and Shelby but was surprised when Alyssa had a firm hold on her wrist. Emma gave her an incredulous look._

_“Oh you guys can go ahead, can I borrow Emma for a bit?” Alyssa asked the couple. Kevin and Shelby looked baffled._

_“Sure.” Kevin gave Shelby a knowing look._

_“Go ahead; I can just look for you guys after.” Emma urged and Kevin and Shelby left with nothing but a nod of agreement._

_When Emma and Alyssa were finally left alone, Emma noticed that Alyssa was still holding her wrist._

_“So, you plan to ignore me all night?” Alyssa raised an eyebrow at Emma._

_“What do you mean?” Emma wondered._

_“You could at least say ‘hi’ or ask how I’m coping or whatever that you are supposed to say.” Alyssa sighed._

_“C’mon Lys, our friends don’t know what’s between us remember? I can’t just openly flirt with you around them.” Emma whispered. “Plus, you asked me to stay mum, so that’s what I’m doing.”_

_“But it doesn’t mean that you’ll go silent on me.” Alyssa whispered back. “Plus, I think Kevin had us figured out already.”_

_“You have a point, okay, I’m sorry. You know that highly social situations make me nervous.” Emma reminded Alyssa._

_“Yeah, I’m sorry. But I really want you to be here.” Alyssa pointed out. Somehow, this statement made Emma’s stomach churn._

_“Well, that’s why I’m here. Plus, it’s nice to see you in your natural habitat; I know how hard you worked for this, too.” Emma replied patting Alyssa’s back._

_“Thank you,” Alyssa finally smiled again. “Also, you look hot in that shirt, can’t wait to take it off of you.” Alyssa whispered. She was so close to Emma’s ear, Emma could feel the rest of her body tingle._

_“You’re not supposed to say things like that in public.” Emma realized that she was blushing like a tomato._

_“You’re such a prude, Nolan. But I like that look on your face.” Alyssa bantered._

_However, before Emma could come up with a retort, a smug-looking guy approached them. He was tall, his complexion was just a step darker than Alyssa was, and his curly hair was coiffed. He wore a grey hoody underneath a black blazer, his pants were a little loose, and he had paint stained boots. He draped an arm over Alyssa’s shoulder as soon as he got close; Alyssa’s body language showed that the gesture was unwelcomed. He just smiled as if he was the only person that mattered in the room._ _  
_

_“Hey there, pretty lady!” He directed the greeting at Alyssa._ _  
_

_“Hi, Bill,” Alyssa removed herself from his arm and she stood right next to Emma._

_“Who do we have here?” He eyed Emma from head to toe. Emma did not like the sliminess of this schmuck, not one bit._

_“Oh, Emma’s a friend of mine.” This time Alyssa draped an arm around Emma, Emma relaxed to the touch. “Emma, meet Bill, he’s one of the artists showcased here tonight.” Alyssa looked around. “As a matter of fact, we are standing in front some of his works.” Alyssa pointed at the huge abstract paintings behind them._

_Actually, Emma did not notice right away that there were paintings behind them. There were big canvases with lines or scribbles that formed nothing but semblances of the female anatomy. There was nothing so remarkable about his work and Emma was not biased about it. They were just massive paintings and that is all they were to Emma._

_“Well, if you are wondering what this is all about. This series is about the woman at first glance.” Bill pointed at the series of six canvases. Emma was not even asking but he seemed so glad to talk about his work. “You see, Em. Beauty flashes by in front of us in a millisecond and sometimes, it bothers us so much if we couldn’t be fast enough to capture it in memory.”_

_“Well, you can always take a picture now, it can last longer.” Emma remarked wittingly. Alyssa tried to contain a smirk. Bill just raised an eyebrow._

_“But how about capturing a woman’s essence at first glance, seeing beyond the naked truth.” Bill supplied._

_“These are actually nude portraits.” Alyssa added._

_“So, women got naked for you, for this?” Emma was weirdly astonished._

_“It’s the naked truth!” Bill exclaimed._

_“Wow…” Emma was just lost for words. She did not really get the point of it all since Bill was not able to provide a better explanation but he is entitled to his work, he did get a wall in this gallery._

_“So, what you say, Lys? Will you pose for me someday?” Bill was looking at Alyssa curiously and Emma did not like it._

_She did not really know if Alyssa came out to her peers or whether Bill just did not care at all. But it was obvious that he was hitting on her and perhaps this was going on for quite a while. They never did talk much during their encounters. Maybe everything was just casual with Alyssa and this made her realize that she does not really know much about her at this point._

_“You know that I’m not that much of a model, Bill.” Alyssa politely declined._

_Soon after, another artist joined them. Alyssa introduced him as Ray, Ray was better looking than Bill, and he looked smarter, too. Emma found out that Ray did the installation art at the lobby; Ray also did social realism. Ray had thick long hair that reached his shoulders, he had a full beard and he was only in jeans and a t-shirt._

_“Hey, Ray!” Alyssa lighted up. “Meet my friend, Emma.” There it was again, ‘my friend, Emma’. Emma just smiled, trying to stay patient and as it was constantly repeated, she knew where she stood in Alyssa’s world now._

_Ray gave her a firm handshake. “You’re a writer, right? I heard a lot about you.”_

_Emma was baffled; did Alyssa talk about her with other people? Well, anyone can talk about their friends with other people. “Good things, I hope.” Emma managed to reply._

_“Of course, it’s hard to pique Alyssa’s interest.” Ray gave her a wink. Emma did not know what he meant by that._

_“C’mon, don’t creep her out, Ray.” Alyssa gave him a shove._

_“What? Don’t tell me I’m creepier than Bill here?” Ray joked, Bill mocked a laugh._

_Ray and Alyssa were suddenly in deep conversation about the work of some other artist and Bill just nodded along with them. Soon enough, there were so many inside jokes thrown around that Emma could not catch up with the conversation anymore. So, she did the next best thing, she excused herself and tried to look for Kevin and Shelby._

_“Are you sure?” Alyssa tried to hold her arm again._

_“I’ll be fine, don’t worry.” Emma managed to extricate herself from Alyssa’s hold._

_As Emma left, Alyssa followed her with a stare of concern. Soon enough, her attention was directed back to Bill and Ray._

_Moments later, Kevin found Emma huddled in one corner with a fresh glass of wine. At this point, Emma had stopped counting how many glasses she already had._

_“You’ve been quiet, Nolan, not your scene?” Kevin bantered._

_“Maybe, can’t really figure out why some people can be so fake in the so-called real world.” Emma remarked. Kevin and Emma could see Alyssa in their line of sight. She was still talking to Ray and a few people they did not know. Bill was nowhere in sight. Alyssa was laughing hard with them, enjoying everyone’s company._

_“Well, this is Alyssa’s real world, you should get used to it.” Kevin implied._

_“I’m not sure if I can cope with this. There are a lot of douches out here.” Emma remarked._

_“Well, sometimes it’s her job to make them look good or even put some substance to what they do if they don’t have it.” Kevin pointed out. “They are all not that bad, I saw great pieces by the way, try to walk around.”_

_“I guess you’re right. There’s always the good and the bad.” Emma finished her wine in one gulp. “But I think that’s it for me.”_

_Emma put away her glass and she fixed the scarf on her neck._

_“I can find Shelby so we can go.” Kevin offered._

_“No, I’ll be fine, you guys can stay. Alyssa might look for you guys later. It’s a nice night out for a walk.” Emma urged her best friend to stay._

_Kevin sighed. “You know, Em, even if you don’t admit it, I can see it you know. I think I know how much you like her and I think she likes you, too.”_

_“I know what you mean, bud but I think I know my place now. I’m just her friend and seeing her in this context, she’s an entirely different person.” Emma muttered._

_“But isn’t it the point of bringing you here? For you to see this side of her?” Kevin retorted._

_“I just don’t think I fit in.” Emma huffed and on that note, she started to head out._

_Just like she was observing them in her peripheral view, Alyssa had noticed Emma leave the gallery._

_“Where is she going? Aren’t we grabbing drinks after?” Alyssa approached Kevin._

_“She’s heading home, Lys. I guess you should go talk to her.” Kevin gave an apologetic look and before he could say anything else, Alyssa was already in a beeline towards the exit._

_Emma was just a few meters away from the gallery when Alyssa had caught up with her._

_“Emma, hey!” Alyssa called out, Emma stopped in her tracks._

_“Where are you going?” Alyssa heaved._

_“For a walk.” Emma muttered nonchalantly._

_“Aren’t you joining us for drinks after?” Alyssa remained composed._

_“I think I had enough to drink.” Emma replied._

_“What’s wrong?” Alyssa furrowed her brows._

_“You should just go back in there, Lys.” Emma chided._

_“What did I do this time?” Alyssa was a bit irate at this point._

_“Nothing, Lys. Nothing’s wrong.” Emma’s statements remained confusing._

_“I can’t do this, Em. I can’t just always guess what you’re thinking.” Alyssa pointed out._

_“Why? Why do you care about what I think anyway?” Emma challenged._

_“Because…” Alyssa was lost for words._

_“Because we’re friends? Is that it?” Emma huffed._

_Alyssa was caught dumbfounded. There were so many things that she wanted to say to Emma but she did not know where to start._

_“I’m just tired, Lys. Let me go home.” Emma pleaded._

_“Isn’t it enough that I just want you there? This is important to me, Em.” Alyssa whispered._

_“I don’t get it, Lys.” Emma sniffled. “What is this? What are we?”_

_“You know what we are!” Alyssa blurted out._

_“Why should I know? Do you?” Emma spat back._

_Alyssa knew what she needed to say, so she tried to brace herself for the inevitable._

_“I like you, okay! Is that what you want to hear? I like you more than a friend but I cannot claim anything or say anything because we have not really talked about it. We said that we both don’t like labels but it just made everything confusing, Em.” Alyssa wept._

_“Shit! I’m so sorry, Lys.” Emma moved to envelope Alyssa in a tight hug. Alyssa sobbed over her shoulder. “Look, I’m so sorry. I feel so stupid. I just saw you tonight and I felt so out of place.”_

_“That’s why I asked you to come, Em. I wanted you to see me in this world. I want you to be part of it.” Alyssa whispered._

_“I know that, I know. I’m just stupid.” Emma whispered back as she hugged Alyssa closely._

“I guess you should know, Alyssa called me, she’s picking up some of her stuff tomorrow.” Shelby brought Emma’s thoughts back to the present.

“Huh? She’s back.” Emma croaked. She could not believe what she was hearing, after five months, Alyssa had finally resurfaced but perhaps she was not ready to see her yet.

“Yeah.” Came Shelby’s curt reply.

“You should not stress over us, Shelbs. Stress will not do you any good.” Emma muttered.

“Will you be okay, with it?” Kevin had a worried look.

“She’ll come to me when she’s ready, she always does.” Emma grasped. 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for paying some attention to this new piece of fanfiction. I hope that you are enjoying so far, please let me know in the comments.
> 
> Emma was singing "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry in the kitchen.


	5. Own Deserts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “They cannot scare me with their empty spaces between stars—on stars where no human race is. I have it in me so much nearer home. To scare myself with my own desert places.” (Robert Frost)

* * *

“So, have you finally found what you were looking for?” Veronica Greene pushed a mug of coffee towards her daughter.

For Alyssa, there was something disconcerting having to sit in that dining table again. She could not imagine the countless arguments she had with her mother. For the first eighteen years in her life, everything was clear-cut. She was top of her class, student government president, head cheerleader, and voted prom queen in her senior year. Her life was basically a Benjamin Franklin quote, _a place for everything and everything in its place._ All her life she had abided by Veronica’s rules, no candies or any sweets, homework before television, be home before eight o’clock, no phones during mealtime, and no boyfriends until you are in college. Well, the last rule was never a problem. However, when Alyssa reached her adulthood, Veronica had finally came to her senses and removed the tight leash around her daughter. In the end, she realized who Alyssa truly was. Alyssa was nothing but a talented, smart, and principled young woman. A daughter who loved and respected her mother and thinks nothing but the world of her.

However, everything just came full circle. Alyssa had held it together for so long that Veronica felt like she was a ticking time bomb. Alyssa’s life was going so well, a stable job she was passionate about, great friends, and an ideal girlfriend who loves her very much. Veronica thought that even though it was not everything that she hoped for her daughter, Alyssa was still living her best life. So, when her daughter had suddenly disappeared, somehow, deep inside, she knew that this was bound to happen. At some point, she knew that Alyssa would break and she never expected that it would be during the time when it seemed like she was on top of the world. 

“Seems to be pretty late in the game, isn’t it?” Alyssa muttered. She was wearing a loose army green jacket that Veronica noted probably belonged to Emma. Alyssa’s white t-shirt also looked pretty loose matched with distressed denims. Alyssa’s hair was tousled and she had bags underneath her eyes.

“Well, some people hit their midlife crisis pretty bad; I’m actually waiting for mine.” Veronica took a seat next to her daughter, adjusting her knitted sweater as she sat down. “Some people eventually realize they are in the wrong career, that they don’t actually love their husband or wife, or that they come out of the closet in their 40’s. It is never too late, as long as you have time.”

“You’ve really came a long way, mom.” Alyssa joked as she took a sip of her coffee.

“Well, we can all change, can’t we?” Veronica scoffed. “Look at you, you used to take your coffee with all those things, sugar, milk, even with a dash of cinnamon, now, you take it black, even without a hint of sugar in it.” Veronica pointed out.

“Well, the coffee needs to be stronger as life gets harder, I think.” Alyssa sighed.

“You know, I always wanted to protect you from everything. Everything that could hurt you but I guess I was wrong. I intervened so much to make life less hard but then I failed.” Veronica paused for a while, gathering her thoughts. Alyssa placed her hand on top of her mother’s hand that was rested on the table. “I never taught you to be resilient. I taught you to fight back against the bad things but you never really got the hang of holding on to the good things. It’s always the good things that scare you, Alyssa.”

Alyssa could not come up with a reply.

Veronica decided to continue. “I remember this one Christmas when you were six, I finally got you that big doll house you always wanted. I got my Christmas bonus and since you were doing so well at school, I thought it would be the best reward. But I remembered the horrified look on your face when you saw it under the Christmas tree. You said that I should have not spent too much on something that was not food and I knew that you felt like that meant you should perform better in school because I got you that gift.” Veronica whimpered. “At a young age, I saw that fear in you, the fear of failing. The fear of making a mistake and thinking that you don’t deserve the world just because it might ask so much more from you in return. I instilled that fear in you. If only I could have been better then.” 

“It’s not all your fault, mom. You did not really intend to do so.” Alyssa sniffled. “What I did this time, I figured was inevitable.” 

Veronica gave her daughter a puzzled look.

“I was just coasting for so long, I had it easy. You were there for me, every step of the way and I know that it was not a bad thing because now I know why. You just tried to make sure that I had everything because obviously something was amiss.” Alyssa almost choked her words. “I knew that for some reason, I never had a dad and you were everything to me. You just made sure that everything was provided for that I would not go out and look for more. Looking back, I really appreciate what you have done for me, mom.”

“So, you did talk to him, didn’t you?” Veronica realized.

Alyssa just nodded with tears in her eyes.

“I know everything now, what went wrong and what you tried to do for me. I’m so sorry, mom…” Alyssa broke into tears and she moved to embrace her mother.

“It’s alright, love.” Veronica held her daughter tightly. “I’m so sorry, too.”

As soon as they were able to compose themselves, Alyssa slumped back to her seat. A memory entered her thoughts. 

_“I guess you should call Dee Dee,” Emma raised the thermometer to her line of sight. She was seated on the side of the bed next to Alyssa’s cocooned form. “You don’t have a fever but you don’t look well, Lys.”_

_Before she went to bed the previous evening, Alyssa had been feeling weak and her nose was congested. Now, she looked even worse, in her sweats and wrapped in a blanket with a box of tissues on the bedside table, the trash bin filled with used ones._

_“It’s just probably my allergies; I need to be at the gallery in an hour, Em.” Alyssa protested._

_Without warning, Emma snapped a picture of her using her phone. “Show that to Dee Dee, and then tell her if she would be happy to see you in this state.” Emma handed the phone to Alyssa. Alyssa looked at the photo; she looked like Rudolf, the red-nosed reindeer. Alyssa gave Emma an incredulous look. “Go on.” Emma urged._

_“I see your point, Em. Dee Dee doesn’t need this much evidence.” Alyssa scoffed as she looked at the photo._

_“It’s probably a cold, might be over in a few days or so.” Emma mumbled as she got up._

_Alyssa proceeded to write an email on her phone; Dee Dee appreciated these kind of formalities. She eventually decided to attach the photo of her current state. She had indeed been sneezing periodically and her nose was so stuffy. It was not the best state to be entertaining people at the gallery._

_“You should get some rest.” Emma had put on her black beanie, a denim jacket over her t-shirt and jeans, and she was already lacing her sneakers._

_“Where are you going?” Alyssa inquired as she lay back down after writing the email, the menial task itself felt so arduous._

_“I’ll go get some supplies, just rest first.” Emma kissed her forehead and then headed out of their bedroom._

_As soon as Alyssa heard the main door of their apartment close, she slumped back into bed. Perhaps she had been sleeping for a while because the next time Emma came in sight; she was already wearing a different t-shirt, a striped one and a pair of leggings._

_“Hey, babe, how are you feeling?” Emma tenderly stroked Alyssa’s forehead._

_“Stuffy.” Alyssa croaked._

_“You should eat something first.” Emma had arranged a bowl of soup and some utensils on a foldable table on the bed._

_Alyssa positioned herself comfortably with her back against the headboard._

_“What’s in this?” She looked at the peculiar bowl of soup that Emma prepared._

_“It’s Gran’s recipe, it’s like your chicken soup with some citrus, ginger, and spices. Well, there’s cinnamon, cilantro, and a bit of red chili pepper to kick that cold away. You can handle the zest and the spice, right?” Emma knew that Alyssa loved Asian flavors especially Thai and Korean dishes that are likely to be spicy._

_Alyssa smiled at her girlfriend, though teary eyed. She knew that Emma loved to cook but she had never felt this comfortable in another person’s care aside from her mother. She felt safe with Emma._

_Emma was blowing unto a spoonful of soup and Alyssa knew that her girlfriend was about to feed her._

_“I can lift a spoon you know.” Alyssa smirked._

_“You don’t want me to feed you?” Emma looked heart broken._

_“Well, if you insist.” Alyssa beamed. When Emma gave her the first spoonful, Alyssa’s face twisted at the strength of the flavors but then she felt like it had some soothing effect on her throat and her nasal passages._

_“It’s not bad is it?” A tinge of panic was painted across Emma’s face. “It tastes just like how gran prepares it.” She took a spoonful herself._

_“It’s great, babe. It’s helping, thank you.” Alyssa reassured Emma._

_Emma grinned. “Well, I figured we should try this first before I give you something over the counter.” She gave Alyssa another spoonful._

_After a while, Alyssa had finished the entire bowl. Her body felt warmer and she could breathe a bit better._

_“Such a good girl.” Emma patted Alyssa on the forehead but Alyssa pulled a face implying that it sounded like a sexual innuendo._

_“I did not mean anything else by that.” Emma had an obvious blush._

_“I’m joking, babe. I just like seeing you flushed.” Alyssa jeered._

_“And I like seeing your nose less rosy.” Emma bopped a finger on Alyssa’s nose._

_Emma moved to put away the empty bowl and folding table but Alyssa had held on to her wrist, Emma gave her muddled look. “Thank you.” Alyssa mouthed._

_Emma smiled a smile that reached her eyes. “We take care of each other now.”_

_“I like that, I like that very much.” Alyssa reached over to cup Emma’s face. “I would like to kiss you but I wouldn’t want you to get this.”_

_“You are so thoughtful, babe.” Emma placed a light peck on Alyssa’s forehead._

_Though their relationship had started on a more physical note, Alyssa never imagined that they would reach this point until now. Emma is caring, affectionate, and gallant. What did Alyssa do to deserve her? There was something tender and sublime with this moment. Alyssa’s heart was pounding hard; she hadn’t felt this with anyone else. She looked her worst, snot and all, she felt vulnerable, yet Emma looked at her as if she was the most beautiful thing that she had ever seen._

_“A penny for your thoughts?” Emma raised an eyebrow._

_“I don’t think I deserve you, Emma Nolan.” Alyssa whispered._

_“Huh, funny you think that.” Emma snorted. “I didn’t even think that you would take a second look at me.”_

_“Don’t patronize me because if you’re fishing for compliments, I guess I have a lot where that came from.” Alyssa giggled._

_“Still an ass kisser even at this state, Greene?” Emma got up from the bed._

_“I would kiss that ass, anytime.” Alyssa immediately smacked Emma’s butt playfully._

_Emma turned abruptly almost dropping the bowl, looked at her with a gaping mouth, too surprised at Alyssa’s sudden mischievousness. “I was about to make you a hot toddy but then I guess you’re feeling better now.” Emma badgered._

_“Is that what you call the lemon and ginger tea with honey and brandy?” Alyssa jolted up, the thought of alcohol piqued her interest._

_Emma nodded in response with an impish smile._

_Alyssa pouted at Emma, seemingly begging with watery eyes._

_“Dammit, you’re like kryptonite.” Emma walked out of the room mumbling and Alyssa bounced back in bed disappearing under the blanket._

_Nobody said that being nursed back to health by Emma Nolan would be this good. Alyssa never imagined that she would be this lucky._

“But you did not really answer my question, yet.” Veronica snapped her out of her imaginings. “Did you find what you were looking for?”

“I realized what was in front of me all along.” Alyssa wiped her tears.

“She still talks to me, you know.” Veronica informed.

“How is she?” Alyssa probed.

“For the first few weeks? Not good. She spiraled, refused to talk, refused to move.” Veronica muttered. Alyssa imagined Emma hiding inside their room, unmoving, in a depressed state and the worst of all, she had caused that. “Now, I don’t really know what’s running through her mind.” Veronica added.

Alyssa faltered but she knew that her mother would give her a sincere answer to her question. “Do you think she’ll take me back?”

“Go home, Lys. Just go home.” Veronica replied with a look of melancholy.

* * *

“Are you just fostering or is this one yours now?” Barry was staring at a hissing kitten on the sofa.

“Oh my, Stevie,” Emma exclaimed. “Wiss, wiss, wiss, it is okay boy, Barry is nice even if he does not look like it.” Emma jumped over Barry to retrieve a four-month-old British Shorthair that was almost camouflaged on the dark grey throw over the sofa. “Cats can sense dark energy you know.” Emma joshed.

“Ha ha very funny.” Barry grimaced. “You have a cat now?”

“The house can get pretty lonely, you know.” Emma mumbled. “Stevie is good company, he’s actually quite sweet.” Emma snuggled the kitten. Stevie was wriggling in her arms.

“Well, I don’t think the feeling seems mutual.” Barry smirked.

“It’s just his first week with me, he’s acclimatizing.” Emma defended as she sat down on the easy chair across Barry with Stevie now moving about on her lap, seemingly finding a way to make himself more comfortable.

“So, do you have your first draft?” Barry delved.

Barry Glickman has been working with Emma for years. As Emma’s literary agent, he has been making sure that Emma meets her deadlines. As part of his job, Barry has been quite aware in the goings on in Emma’s life. Though they have a good working relationship, Emma has somehow considered Barry to be one of her closest friends.

“Almost didn’t make it.” Emma lifted a sealed manuscript on top of the coffee table.

“Is this about what we talked about last time?” Barry gave Emma a knowing look.

“I just hope it’s not too angst-ridden.” Emma sighed as she stroked Stevie on her lap. The kitten had already calmed down at this point.

“As art imitates life.” Barry declared.

“Just look into it and tell me what you think.” Emma scolded.

“As you wish, madam.” Barry placed the envelope inside his messenger bag.

There was a pregnant pause between the two before Barry spoke again. “How are you, Em?”

“Do you want to know the truth or my typical spiel? That's what I ask everyone who checks up on me.” Emma chuckled.

“Whatever you would want to tell me.” Barry advised.

_**Alyssa: Babe, answer your phone.** _

_Emma locked the screen of her phone, ignoring Alyssa’s text._

_“You should at least text her back, she’ll be more suspicious.” Kevin counseled as he looked at Emma, looking anxious at the passenger’s seat of his sedan. Kevin was kind enough to drive for her today._

_“You know I’m a bad liar, Kev. She’ll hear it through my voice.” Emma explained._

_“Call her and put her on loudspeaker, we’ll talk to her together.” Kevin urged. “Stop acting suspicious.”_

_“Alright.” Emma conceded._

_After two rings, Alyssa immediately answered._

_“Emma Nolan, why are you not answering your phone?” Alyssa’s fretful voice reverberated from Emma’s phone._

_“Uh, hey babe…” Emma managed to croak._

_“Hey, Lys! Kevin here, you’re on loudspeaker.” Kevin tried to sound calm._

_“Oh, hey Kev…” Alyssa’s tone sounded embarrassed realizing that Kevin was also on the call._

_“Sorry about the worry, I just needed Emma today. Some best friend matter.” Kevin reasoned._

_“Oh,” Alyssa paused for a while. “Is everything okay with you and Shelby?” Alyssa asked with a hint of worry in her voice._

_“It’s nothing big, nothing to fuss about, I promise.” Kevin clarified. Emma looked at him with wide eyes._

_“Well, just take your time then. I just thought something happened. I hope all is well.” Alyssa replied._

_“Of course, I’ll bring your girlfriend home soon.” Kevin looked tentatively at Emma._

_“Thanks, Kev. Sorry about the intrusion.” Alyssa responded. “Babe?”_

_“Yeah?” Emma reacted._

_“Can you pass by that new Thai place for dinner?” Alyssa wondered._

_“Sure, of course, Pad Thai and Chicken Satay?” Emma inquired._

_“Yeah, and that tamarind juice, I like. Thanks, babe! I love you!” Alyssa was cheery again._

_“I love you, too.” Emma replied. Kevin just wiggled his eyebrows at her as he kept his eyes on the road._

_“Love you, too, Lys!” Kevin chuckled._

_“Love you, too, Kev!” Alyssa giggled. “Bye you idiots don’t make me worry again.” Then the line was cut._

_“What was that Nolan?” Kevin shook his head._

_“What? Alyssa can’t find out, everything is supposed to be a surprise. I didn’t know she would be home earlier than the usual. Plus, it’s cutting it too close if I prepare for everything tomorrow. Alyssa’s too nosey.” Emma muttered. “Just make sure that you drop off everything at the apartment tomorrow as soon as she leaves for work.” Emma looks at the assortment of supplies at the backseat of Kevin’s car. The seat was currently filled with a bunch of lilies and gardenias._

_“Are you sure it’s right to do this on her birthday?” Kevin looked troubled._

_“Well, if I chicken out, it still seems to be a nice surprise for her birthday.” Emma answered nervously; she patted her pocket, checking if the small velvet box was still there._

_“You’ve really thought this through?” Kevin wondered._

_“I have been thinking about it since last year.” Emma confirmed._

_“Hey, Em. We’re really deep into this game and all but I think you should call my wife and fill her in with the white lie we just told Alyssa before your girlfriend decides to call Shelby to check up on her.” Kevin realized._

_“Oh shit! You’re right!” Emma fumbled for her phone and dialed Shelby’s number._

It was an exciting moment, Emma thought before everything went down to the drain. Everything seemed like a blur, now, Emma was seated with a kitten on her lap realizing that they would probably be spending the coming years alone in the new house.

“I think I’m getting used to it.” Emma responded.

“Getting used to what?” Barry wondered.

“Being alone.” Emma supposed.

“You shouldn’t get ahead of yourself.” Barry warned.

“I know it isn’t ideal but I guess these are the cards I am dealt with.” Emma muttered.

“I know I have told you before how I am resigned with my fortune. I have reached the point when I realized that I’m actually fine with being alone. But to tell you the truth Nolan, I haven’t really given up yet. Who knows if I’ll stumble upon a meet cute on my way to work? At my age most people give up completely.” Barry sighed. “What I am trying to say is, I am prepared to be alone but I’m also open to what may happen otherwise. But in your case, you perfectly have something to look forward to for the rest of your life.”

“Correction, I had something.” Emma pointed out.

“You’re not yet sure about that. You deserve an explanation and I think she’ll come around sooner or later.” Barry reiterated. “She did not reject you, she did not even know.”

“Again, we don’t know that. It has been five months.” Emma argued.

“Sometimes it takes years for some people.” Barry emphasized. “Have you thought about how you will react in case she comes back?”

“I think about it every day.” Emma whispered. Stevie was now asleep on her lap.

“Good.” Barry smiled. 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did not really plan for this to be quite long being a multi-chapter fic that is has turned out to be but here is another update. Thank you for all the feedback!


	6. Stitched with Color

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Separation
> 
> Your absence has gone through me  
> Like thread through a needle.  
> Everything I do is stitched with its color.” (W.S. Merwin)

* * *

**_I am so sorry, I just need to go._ **

_Emma crumpled the paper in her palm; her hands were still shaking. She did not understand a word; she had never anticipated this. There was no sign, no clue of how they got to this point. She knelt at the foot of the bed, one arm over the cushion, her tears plopping down one by one on wooden floorboards as she begins to wail in silence._

* * *

Emma looks at the window as the rain splatters on the driveway. Stevie was snoozing quietly on the lounge chair at the living room, a colorful blanket underneath him. Emma marvels at the scene as she holds on to a mug of warm peppermint tea. This rain was unusual, it was quite sudden, quite abrupt but everything in her life had been like that lately. Nothing had turned out according to plan; nothing had been what she hoped for. But she was already used to heartbreak, the pain of loss and longing, the sting of rejection, and the prickle of defeat. Growing up, she had always been positive, thinking about the sunshine after the rain, nothing is impossible, going to great places, and finding the courage to love and build a home. Despite all the chaos of the world and the injustices, Emma Nolan had endured and kept an eye out for better things. This time, she hopes to endure, to bear the ache and somehow still manage not to lose her soul. She gazes endearingly at the snoring kitten; Stevie has in fact brought some spirit into this cold empty space.

Emma trudges lazily towards her desk, she was still in her dark blue flannel pajamas with a comfortable robe to keep her warmer. Emma had set up her work desk in the middle of the house; it held her computer, stacks and stacks of paper, some pens that were working and weren’t, and scattered goblets of water and unwashed wine glasses. Emma sat down on the high-back leather swivel chair; she spun a few times until she got a bit dizzy. She looked at the mess on the table; it was a comfortable mess, something she could figure out in seconds. On the contrary, some messes in her life have remained enigmatic at this point, something she might not have the energy to sort out. She looked around the house; she regarded everything around her from the floor to the ceiling. This is her life now, alone in a cavern of lost thoughts and half-written emotional states. It was going to be another year.

Without warning, she heard some vibration on the top of the table. She rummaged amongst the clutter and she found her phone underneath a notepad. After looking at the phone screen, she immediately decided to answer it.

“Hey, it’s me.” Emma answered with a gruff voice.

“Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday, dear Emma…” Betsy Nolan sang on the other line.

Emma smiled at her grandmother’s antics. “Thank you so much, gran!” She replied as Betsy continued with her singing.

“So, you need to be here at six o’clock tonight. I know you don’t like surprises but your friends will be here as well.” Betsy informed.

“It’s not a surprise; you know that Kevin is not so good with secrets.” Emma chuckled.

“I knew I should not have trusted him.” Betsy mumbled. “Are you still working on your birthday?”

“What makes you think I have been working?” Emma jeered.

“I can hear the cogs of your mind rolling, Emma Nolan. You sound distracted, you can’t even enjoy my greeting.” Betsy countered.

“I have been just going over a few notes for some revisions.” Emma looked at the pieces of paper on her desk. “You know that the rain always sets me in a mood.” She looks out the window.

“Yeah, in such a forlorn mood!” Betsy pointed out. “Stop pouting, it’s your birthday!”

“It happens every year, gran.” Emma defended.

“And each year is worth celebrating! You’ll learn to treasure it once the days become longer and your pace gets slower.” Betsy scolded. 

“They already are.” Emma sulked.

“Do me a favor and pretend to be cheerful if only for today. I know this hasn’t been a good year but just for this day. You do make-believe for a living for crying out loud!” Betsy admonished.

“Well, you shouldn’t scold me for starters.” Emma snickered.

“Who taught you to be a smart ass?” Betsy mumbled.

“I love you so much, gran. Thanks for always being there for me.” Emma whispered endearingly instead.

“I wouldn’t exchange being your grandmother for anything in the world. I love you, dear. Don’t be late tonight, okay? Try to get ready once the rain calms down. The drive might take a couple of hours or more under this weather." Betsy reminded

“I won’t, bye.” On that note, Betsy ended the call.

Now, for Emma, there will always be something upsetting having to think about a birthday.

_Emma jolted from her slumber; she could not remember how she fell asleep. She did not even dream about anything. All she recalls was that Alyssa was already sound asleep next to her while she was making plans in her head. She kept on hoping that Kevin would arrive on the dot so that she would have enough time to set up everything at their apartment before Alyssa comes home from work. Her nerves were eating her up and she felt like vomiting. So, she jumped out of bed and rushed towards the toilet. The unusual churning of her stomach was gone when she reached the sink, so she decided to brush her teeth instead. She looked at the vintage flip clock on her side table, it read five thirty. It was still a little dark outside, so she wondered why Alyssa was already out of bed so early in the morning. It was her birthday after all, sometimes Alyssa goes out for a quick run or goes out to buy the paper and grab some breakfast, and these were some rituals that she did alone for her birthday. Emma noticed that since they lived together._

_When she got out of the bedroom, Emma realized that the apartment felt eerily cold. The kitchen looked untouched; the coffee pot was still unmoved. Emma looked around and something felt amiss. She walked around the apartment, towards the living room and back to the bedroom, everything was still in place but something felt awry._

_She got her phone and tried to message Alyssa but she realized that if she was on a run she should call instead._

_Alyssa’s phone rang, and it rang for a while before it went to voicemail._

_Emma called again; it rang on and on and went to voicemail again._

_Scenarios where running through Emma’s mind, why isn’t Alyssa picking up? She would hear the call if she had her earphones on her run._

_Emma decided to leave a text message, **Babe, where are you?** _

_Emma went back to the bedroom and sat at the foot of the bed. She dialed Alyssa’s number ten more times._

_Fear was already getting through her. What if Alyssa got mugged? What if she met an accident? It was her birthday, what was happening?_

_Still in her pajamas, Emma just decided to put on a coat and sneakers and ran out of the apartment. She was walking and running trying to figure out Alyssa’s usual route. It had been about half an hour when Emma decided to dial Alyssa’s number again; the line was dead._ _  
_

_Panic and dread had already overwhelmed Emma; she marched back to their apartment and flopped on the bed. What was happening? Was she still asleep? Is this a nightmare?_

_Eventually, Emma found herself rummaging through their closet. As she inspected their clothes, she realized that some items were missing, including Alyssa’s hiking backpack. She was still in denial about what she thought was happening. She loped towards Alyssa’s bedside table and noticed that the book Alyssa was reading the previous night was gone. She checked if some of her stuff was still there. As soon as Emma pulled the drawer, she was taken aback by what she found._

**_I am so sorry, I just need to go._ **

_Written in Alyssa’s loopy handwriting._

_Emma crumpled the paper in her palm; her hands were still shaking. She did not understand a word; she had never anticipated this. There was no sign, no clue of how they got to this point. She knelt at the foot of the bed, one arm over the cushion, her tears plopping down one by one on wooden floorboards as she begins to wail in silence._

* * *

Alyssa rested her head on the steering wheel; she had kept the engine running just in case she changes her mind again. There was a heavy downpour outside and she was stuck inside her Jeep with nothing but the sound of the windshield wipers to accompany her. She stared at the screen of her phone, Kaylee got the address from Shelby, surely she was parked across the right house. She found herself in a small village outside of the city. The area was low-key and it was near a beach. It served as a haven for creatives, away from the hustle and bustle downtown, a quiet retreat. She looked at the cedar-shingled house in front of her; it was in colonial style. It had blue green shutters and a small portico. Alyssa marveled at the view, it was everything she ever imagined.

Alyssa sobbed inside her car as she noticed a soft glow of warm light from the windows. The inside of the house felt so warm, yet, she chose to be stuck out in the cold, trapped inside the car without an umbrella to brave the downpour.

_Emma had been out with Kevin almost the entire day yesterday. Surely, Kevin and Shelby were fine so she wondered what Emma and Kevin were up to. It was going to be her birthday the following day, maybe Emma was cooking up a surprise. Emma loved setting up surprises for Alyssa’s past birthdays; like a charming picnic with friends at the park, doing Alyssa’s bidding the entire day, or going off on an impromptu drive to a petting zoo. Alyssa loved those surprises so she wonders what Emma has in mind to outdo herself this time. Alyssa also loved to play mind games with Emma, it’s either she pretends that she’s oblivious or gives Emma a hard time orchestrating events, trying to catch her in the act. The phone call yesterday was one of Alyssa’s teasers, just to frazzle Emma more. Years with Emma had been good, there were no dull moments, and they were always good, too good, in fact, that Alyssa needs to slap herself back to reality to make sure she wasn’t dreaming about being this blissful with Emma._

_Emma was in a rush to leave this morning, claiming that she had business with her publisher. Alyssa knew that she wasn’t a great liar, so it was so typical for Emma to avoid Alyssa especially when something is up. With the quietness of their apartment, Alyssa had decided to do some laundry before she left for work. As she carried the hamper towards the wash, she noticed that Emma had left some of the clothes that she had worn yesterday, neatly folded on top of the chair next to their dresser. Emma was typically neat but she has her moments, especially if she’s masterminding a surprise for Alyssa’s birthday. So, Emma can be a scatter brain at times. Alyssa got Emma’s top and jeans and before she could take another step, she noticed that something fell out of Emma’s jeans pocket. Alyssa dropped the hamper at the sight of a small purple velvet box on the floor._

_At first, she avoided it like it was something alien, something strange. As soon as she knelt down to pick it up, her heart had begun pacing. It was a small velvet box, what else could it be. It felt heavy in Alyssa’s hand. It felt heavy in Alyssa’s heart. Was she ready for what Emma was about to ask? What was she feeling? Is it fear? Is it guilt? Why isn’t it a sudden surge of happiness? Why not just happiness? What was wrong with her?_

_Alyssa snapped the small box open. It was a gold and silver ring with a rainbow moonstone. The color of the moonstone changes from blue to pearly to light brown as light hits its surface. The detail of the ring was impeccable; the band was shaped like a twig with minutiae of roses and leaves. Another ring was next to it, it did not have a stone but it had the same details. Both rings looked a bit tarnished and antiqued. Alyssa sobbed as she stared at the rings, it only meant one thing and this was something that she did not expect. Surely, Emma had outdone herself; Alyssa was definitely surprised._

Alyssa hit her head softly on the steering wheel. _Why did she run away? Why did she leave? What was she so afraid of?_ She knew that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Emma, she couldn’t imagine herself being alone or with someone else. She had berated herself over and over for the past five months. She knew that she hurt Emma and she knew that no explanation would ever be enough for the pain that she had caused. She had hurt the person that she loves the most. Alyssa took a deep breath and chided herself once more. _This time she will not cave. This time she will be brave._ Alyssa took a deep breath and without warning, she shut the engine and ran out of her Jeep. She ran under the rain, hoping that Emma opens the door to her house once she knocks.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ending with a bit of a cliffhanger here, this chapter was quite heavy to write but I got through it. Though it is quite short, I think I could not write it in any other way. So, this is Alyssa leaving on her birthday and returning on Emma's birthday, I guess you can figure the rest out. 
> 
> Again, please let me know what you think.


	7. What Makes Me a Fool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “My imagination makes me human and makes me a fool; it gives me all the world and exiles me from it.” (Ursula K. Le Guin)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many words, so many feelings, it took me quite a while to figure out how I wanted this to pan out. I think I'm contented with this version, this would probably do.

* * *

Emma stares blankly in space, listening to the patter of the rain outside. Out there everything feels so chaotic, inside she feels so benign. She never had a birthday where it rained as far as she could recall. But the sound of the falling rain has been comforting. It seems to give her a reason not to move, to stay in place. The past months have been a blur, she could not tell the difference between waking moments and lost thoughts. Emma wished if there could ever be a way to unreel everything, to go back to the starting point, to enter Alyssa’s mind and figure out why she did what she had done. Honesty in a relationship is not always what it seems. People who learn to compartmentalize their lives learn to open and shut doors of themselves. Alyssa was always good with that, she used to look at her mother straight in the eye, says one thing, and does another. Sometimes there are ghosts from our memories that haunt us and there are so many things that we cannot undo because we had been so used to it, it was compartmentalization for Alyssa. Emma knew that this was likely to happen, she just did not think that it would hurt this much. Sitting alone in the nearly empty house had made this more obvious. She missed the banter, the laughter, the tension, the warmth, the glares; she just missed her.

Unexpected knocking from the front door suddenly interrupted Emma’s musings. The rain was pouring harder and Emma did not really realize that someone was at the door until she got closer. Perhaps this was one of her grandmother’s surprises. Perhaps Kevin was up to something. Perhaps someone had something delivered despite the heavy rain. Emma trudged the corridor slowly, quite wary of what she might see at the other side of the front door. Emma twisted the doorknob gently and she prepared herself to make a quip at whoever may be behind the door. But nothing had prepared her for the view in front of her. Emma was frozen where she stood- right there soaked in rainwater wearing her army green jacket, in a sodden t-shirt, jeans, and muddy boots was none other than the woman who constantly occupied her mind. Alyssa Greene stared back at her with pleading brown eyes, she was about to knock again when Emma had opened the door. At that moment, Emma did not know how to feel. She was prepared to slam the door at her or scream at her. She had ran various scenarios in her mind about what she will do when she sees Alyssa again and none of these was pleasant. Most of these scenarios came from places of anger and heartache. But she did not expect her, not just yet. Nothing could have prepared her for this.

Alyssa searched her eyes helplessly; she opened her mouth but decided against it. Emma furrowed her brows; she did not know what else to say. She stood closer towards Alyssa. Alyssa looked defenseless, her shoulders were down and she stood as if she could reel herself away at any moment. Emma would not give that chance to Alyssa anymore; she had so many questions that needed answers. As the gap between them grew close, Emma placed both her hands on Alyssa’s shoulders. Alyssa looked like she was electrified at the sudden contact but she did not recoil.

Finally, Emma decided to speak, “I will not pretend…” Before Emma could finish her sentence, she pulled Alyssa by the shoulders and hugged her tight. She did not want to let go, Alyssa was finally home now and she just wanted to keep on holding on to that. She could feel the dampness of Alyssa’s hair touch the skin of her face. She could feel Alyssa’s wet clothes on the surface of her garments. But Emma did not care, all she cared about was to be present at that moment and make sure that she was not imagining things. Alyssa was there right in front of her, _she came home._ No matter how mad Emma once was, she just found herself crumble. All she wanted was to be close to Alyssa, to never let her go, to never let her out of sight. 

She could feel Alyssa shaking her in arms, her lithe frame felt more brittle. Alyssa did not smell familiar, there was no hint of lavender or olive oil, she smelled like fall; like a musky-sweet smell of a leaf pile. Alyssa was sobbing on her shoulder, hugging her tight, arms enclosed around her torso. Alyssa did not feel familiar, she felt altered, like her soul was transplanted to a different body but Emma knew that it was her. Even if she closed her eyes, she knew that she was in the midst of Alyssa. There was this ease but there was this fear. The fear of not ever experiencing this feeling again, of not realizing how hollow it was when it was gone and then back again. Emma succumb to this misery, she just felt beat but it was a defeat that she fully accepted. Giving in to Alyssa was what made her breakable.

Without saying anything more, Emma pulled away, she cupped Alyssa’s face, and tears rolled down Alyssa’s tan cheeks. Emma stared at those brown eyes; she was searching for an answer, raising a question that she could not utter. She could not bring herself to kiss her; she did not know if she should. The torrent was falling harder behind them. Emma just took off her robe and enveloped Alyssa with it. Alyssa looked confused; she has not uttered a word either. Emma dragged her inside and shut the door behind them. Emma held Alyssa’s wrist and led her towards the living room. Without a word, Emma left Alyssa standing alone in the living room and she headed towards another room in the back.

Alyssa observed around the room; she noticed Emma’s untidy desk right in the middle. The laptop was left open and there were manuscripts all over. She realized that perhaps Emma kept up with her work. It was one of Emma’s best qualities, to endure no matter what. She jolted when she realized that there was a small grey kitten looking directly at her from the floor. Its judgmental eyes seemingly piercing right through her. _So, Emma finally got a cat._ Legend says that cats can see through a person’s soul. That they react a certain way towards people since they can see right through them. That cats know your intentions whether they are good or bad. The kitten stares at her with limpid orbs. It gives her a contemptible look but does not move. Can this kitten see right through her? _She was glad that Emma was not alone_. She was about to lean down and pet the kitten until she heard Emma re-enter the room. The kitten leapt away and hid itself in a blanket on one of the lounge chairs.

“I see you met Stevie.” Emma hummed. She had changed her clothes, she was now in a plain white t-shirt and dark green flannel pants.

“Stevie Nicks?” Alyssa smiled awkwardly; the kitten had somehow let some of the tension dissipate.

Emma just nodded her head and flashed her a lopsided grin. They had always talked about naming pets after musicians. Alyssa always thought they would name a puppy, Elton but they never made it to the shelter in the past years. However, Emma finally did it. The things Emma could accomplish without her, Alyssa thought.

At that moment, Alyssa felt so out of place. Emma was there but she knew that everything was different now. It was like she fell asleep watching a movie and she woke up just in time for the ending credits to start rolling. The house, the kitten, the manuscripts on Emma’s desk, everything seemed to move on without her. She hated that feeling but there was no one else to blame. She was also surprised at Emma’s reaction but she knew that there was more to it. Emma often wears her heart on her sleeve but she is also not afraid to speak her mind. She braced herself for what would come next; she was willing to bear it all, especially for Emma.

“Why won’t you dry up first and change, the powder room is at the end of that corridor.” Emma handed her some dry clothes.

Alyssa was still speechless; she just nodded and headed towards the direction Emma was pointing to. As she entered the toilet, she noticed that there was nothing much in there; it looked sparse. Maybe it was just because Emma had just moved in but it felt unnerving walking around Emma’s house. Alyssa removed Emma’s jacket and her other damp clothes as well. She did not know where to put them but she knew that there were far more pressing matters that she should be concerned about. So, for the meantime, she placed those wet clothes on a wooden chair by the shower. Alyssa noticed the set of clothes that Emma handed her. It was Emma’s university sweater and a pair of comfortable sweat pants that she had always filched from Emma’s closet. The clothes felt warm on her skin and it felt familiar, the clothes smelled like Emma. It was all coming back to Alyssa, Emma’s touch, Emma’s voice, the warmth of a home; she did not know how she survived without it for so long, why she ran away from it. Alyssa chided herself not to break down inside the toilet, so, she tried to fix her damp hair behind her ears and steadied herself to face Emma once again.

When Alyssa re-entered the living room, Emma was already sitting on the sofa with a hand on her forehead, her ear on the phone.

“Yes, gran, I know. Yes, she’s home.” Emma whispered without looking up.

“I know that, gran. I’m so sorry. I don’t know…” Emma sounded exasperated but this was her grandmother, she could never be mad at her grandmother.

“Of course, I will, I promise. I love you. Thank you.” That was everything Alyssa heard about the one sided conversation as Emma ended the call. _Oh, how she missed hearing those three words from Emma, even if these words were not directed at her. Does she still feel the same about Alyssa? Alyssa could not blame her if she does not, anymore._

“Was it your grandmother? I suppose she’s expecting you.” Alyssa fidgeted with her fingers.

“Yes, it was gran. I told her you were home.” Emma’s words rang in Alyssa ears, her heart pounded so hard she could her it resonate. _She was home_ and Emma declared it.

“If you’re supposed to go somewhere…” Alyssa fumbled with words.

“Just please sit down, Lys. Nothing else is more important…for now.” Emma added the last two words. Alyssa sat opposite Emma; she pursed her lips thinking of what else to say.

“I’m not going anywhere and I hope this time you feel the same, too.” Emma directed with weight on her words. Alyssa sensed that Emma and her grandmother had plans, ones that she did not want to ruin but she had been on a streak, catching Emma off-guard for the past few months.

“If gran…” She tensed thinking whether she was still allowed to say that. “If Betsy had prepared something for you maybe we should head out.”

“Do you really want to do that, now?” Emma scoffed. “Be around people? People with so many questions?”

“You’re right.” Alyssa shook her head, clearing her throat. “I think she’s mad at me.”

Emma just shook her head. “She’s not that mad but I think you should see her, too.” 

Emma looked up and smiled at Alyssa. Alyssa noticed that drinks were already spread out on the coffee table.

“I thought of coffee but I think we need something stronger.” Emma pointed at a glass of gin and tonic, trying to sound nonchalant.

“Thank you,” Alyssa’s voice shook.

“I ran so many scenarios in my head, thinking what I should say to you but now I’m quite overwhelmed actually,” Emma sighed. “I really don’t know.” Emma’s eyes looked glassy; she took a sip of her drink.

“I’m sorry,” Alyssa’s voice trembled. “So, we are going to talk about this now?”

“Why not? I don’t see any other time.” Emma sounded sarcastic.

“You shouldn’t be here, it’s your birthday. We can talk some other time, maybe not today; you should not spend it like this.” Alyssa explained.

“Exactly, it’s my birthday, Lys and I think I’m entitled to do whatever I want to do. Haven’t you done the same thing?” Emma’s voice was calm but her words pierced through Alyssa like a jagged knife. “People always say that you should be careful what to wish for, I guess my mind is that powerful that it could actually summon you.” Emma always knew how to laugh at herself even when in pain. 

Alyssa stared at Emma with glassy eyes. She knew how much she hurt Emma; she knew that she did a stupid thing. So, she could at least muster some courage and face Emma this time. “I think I deserve your resentment.”

Emma snickered and shook her head. “You don’t get it, do you? I don’t resent you. Yes, I was mad at you at first, I felt betrayed. I don’t hate you, Lys, I don’t think I’m capable of that or I ever will, despite everything. I kept giving myself deadlines; I started with giving you a week and then three months and then I thought of my birthday. If you had not shown your face today, I could have extended it until Christmas or maybe the New Year. Or maybe just maybe the next five years or so, I don’t really know how far I could go.” Emma whispered looking straight into Alyssa’s eyes. “But now you’re here and all I want to know is why? Why did you go? Why did you leave the way you did?” Emma’s voice broke. 

Alyssa took a deep breath, Emma was right; she deserved every bit of explanation. “What do you want to know first?” Alyssa returned the question.

“I don’t know, Lys. You tell me,” Emma’s tone sounded upset. “Why did you leave when you did?”

Alyssa deliberated on her answer but she knows that Emma would not give in to any bullshit. “I could not breathe, Em.” Alyssa knew that it was not an adequate answer.

“So, it was me? I was suffocating you?” Emma’s words were a bit louder but Alyssa knew that she was starting to get distressed. Emma stood up from her seat and started to pace back and forth.

“Why did you have to do it?” Alyssa’s voice trembled.

“Do what, Lys? What did I do?” Emma was perplexed. Emma slumped back down to her seat. 

Alyssa knew that Emma did not find anything wrong for what she was about to do. After all, the problem was with Alyssa and not really with Emma.

Alyssa knew that there was no other way but to just stay upfront with Emma. “Propose on my birthday!” Alyssa finally blurted out.

Emma was taken aback at first, tears rolled from her eyes. She winked so many times trying to shake everything away. Alyssa knew that Emma was deeply hurt but she was trying so hard not to show it. “Of course, that’s what it was all about,” Emma almost choked a sob. “You saw the ring didn’t you?”

“What else could it mean?” Alyssa looked at Emma entreatingly.

“What was wrong about that, Lys? I love you and at that point, I thought you felt the same way. We were doing well, we weren’t exemplary but I just thought, you felt it, too.” Emma wheezed. Emma’s voice sounded broken, she was catching her breath and Alyssa knew that it was mainly because she was so hurt and overwhelmed. “I was ready, Lys, for all the right reasons, I just thought you were, too.” Emma managed to puff. “I was sadly mistaken.”

“I second guessed myself, Em.” Alyssa wiped away a stray tear.

“What?” Emma looked up.

“I felt like I wasn’t ready at that moment. I thought about it and you always told me to process everything once you hesitate. The instant I knew, I felt like I did not deserve you. I felt like I would not be able to give what you were so willing to give me. You see, Em, there are just so many things that I had not figured out about myself at that point. I could not even meet you halfway, I just felt like I would only drag you down. I do not know how to express it really but I just felt so inadequate and imagined that in the end, you will figure it out and you might think otherwise. So, before anything else could even actually happen, I made that decision for you.” Alyssa explicated.

“Didn’t you think that I thought of that already?” Emma sneered, shaking her head. “You were not required to be everything, Lys. We were supposed to figure things out together and I just thought that it was probably time to ask you if you were willing to do it with me for the rest of our disastrous lives.” Emma sounded perturbed. 

“I messed up, Em. I know that now.” Alyssa choked a reply.

“Why do you always think so less of yourself?” Emma could not look at Alyssa.

“You know what my life is like. You know the thing about my parents. You know how obsessed I am with being enough!” Alyssa could not help but feel more emotional.

“But you’re enough, Lys.” Emma sniffled, looking through Alyssa. “You were always enough for me.”

Alyssa always knew that Emma was earnest and she was always the first to flounder. “I guess I finally figured that out the hard way.”

“So, what now? Did you find out what you were looking for? Did you get the answers you needed, out there?” Emma challenged.

“I saw him, Em. I finally talked to my father.” Alyssa whispered.

Emma was taken aback; she always knew what Alyssa thought about her father. “You’re nothing like him, Lys.”

“I know that, Em and surprisingly enough, I actually understood why he left.” Alyssa explained.

“I’m happy for you, Lys.” Emma smiled bitterly. “But right now, I don’t really know how to feel about this.”

“You’re allowed to feel…whatever you want to feel…” Alyssa supplied but Emma cut her off.

“No, Lys! I’m not entitled to feel just whatever.” Emma gasped. “Months ago, I was just mad at you. Mad at you for leaving; mad at you for not saying anything else. Then, I was just overpowered with worry. I was so anxious about your safety, whether you were sleeping well, eating well, or if you were away from harm. Then, I just got by, I tried to survive days without thinking about you, lingering on how angry I was at you. For several weeks, I was so paranoid, thinking what if you met someone else along the way. Then, following that, I was just hopeless; I was trying to figure out a life without you. These past five months was just gnawing at my soul, Lys. There was no explanation, whatsoever but somehow, I knew, I knew what went wrong. I just wasn’t brave enough to admit it to myself because I was so afraid that you wouldn’t come back. Up until you knocked on that door, I knew that you would show up, that you would come home. And I knew that you wouldn’t be the same and I was prepared for that, I was prepared for every version of you. So, I guess, I’m not entitled to anything, because whatever went wrong between us, whatever made you doubt yourself, I was part of it and I just watched it unfold in front of me.” Emma disclosed, she felt out of breath. 

“You shouldn’t blame yourself…” Alyssa was about to blurt out when Emma interjected again.

“This is between you and me and we have done everything together for almost a decade! Stop being a hero and realize that we are here now looking at each other like strangers because at one point in our relationship, we had just decided to stop talking about how we really feel about each other’s lives!” Emma exclaimed.

Alyssa was about to say something more but she decided against it.

“Perhaps I should ask you one last time…after everything, do you think you still love me?” Emma stuttered, quite a contrast to her sudden outburst of emotion.

Alyssa just nodded as tears continued to escape her.

“Good. Because I still love you, too and we have to do something about it. Don’t doubt and don’t say anything otherwise, Lys because this is all what I have been thinking about for the past five months.” Emma breathed.

Without warning, Alyssa just stood up from her seat and charged towards Emma. She did not know how to approach her, how to calm her, or how to touch her. Could she kiss her? Could she hold her? As she deliberated with her thoughts, she just decided to wrap Emma in her arms and pulled her close. Emma continued to sob on her shoulder. “I’m so sorry, I’m home now.” She kissed Emma on the forehead.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter did not contain any flashbacks, they simply needed to sort out the present. Thank you for reading!


	8. The Most Daring Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.” (Kurt Vonnegut)

* * *

Emma blocked her eyes from the harsh sunlight that seeped through the large windows in her bedroom. It was good to note that she should acquire heavier drapes soon. Emma rubbed her eyes, without her glasses, it took some time for everything to come into clear view. When she turned and twisted, she was met by the most beautiful sight that she has not seen in months. There beside her was Alyssa’s sleeping form. There was some adequate distance between them but Alyssa had never felt so close. Emma gazed at those closed eyes and long lashes, Alyssa’s looked so peaceful, _safe,_ was what she thought. Emma delicately tried to push away a stray lock of hair from Alyssa’s face until the brunette started to stir in her sleep. The moment those brown eyes looked back at her, Emma was reminded of the bygone mornings. Mornings when Alyssa would wake up first and rub her shorter hair lightly until she came to her senses or sometimes when they would both jolt awake at the sound of the alarm clock and negotiate to snooze for a few minutes more.

Emma could not really remember how Alyssa had ended up in bed with her the previous evening but they just drew each other closer. Emma remembered how Alyssa thought of spending the night in the couch or how Emma fixed the guestroom for her to occupy but these gestures all felt too extraneous, all too painful. Eventually, they ended up talking in Emma’s bedroom; Alyssa talked about her dad, about where she went, about what she did, Emma just lay there beside her and listened. Emma listened until at some point they both fell asleep and she thought she felt Alyssa give her a light peck on the cheek.

For a moment, they did not talk; they just stared at each other’s eyes. Emma’s eyes swirled from very light brown to green; Alyssa had missed this vision.

“Is it okay if I try to make you some breakfast?” Alyssa whispered. It seemed like the right thing to do.

“Cook? You?” Emma furrowed her brows. “Is this the result of being in the wilds?” Emma joked.

“Can I? I promise I won’t burn down your kitchen. I’ve managed with a portable camp stove.” Alyssa grinned.

“Are we talking about bacon and eggs or blueberry pancakes?” Emma hummed at the thought.

“Let’s see what you got in the pantry!” Alyssa pushed herself up and sprinted towards the kitchen.

Emma felt like she was in a daze, she just could not believe how Alyssa was back and how quickly they gave in like nothing happened. She knew perfectly well that the upcoming days might end up in a mess but she just missed Alyssa so much. She was weak that way; she groggily traipsed towards the en suite, washed her face and brushed her teeth to make sure that she was actually awake and was not imagining things as she put on her glasses. As she got downstairs, she noticed that Alyssa just emerged from the powder room and was making her way towards the kitchen. Alyssa was humming, her hair in a messy bun, and there was a spring in her step. Then suddenly, Stevie came out of nowhere and Alyssa tried to be careful with her next steps. Stevie was bunting his head on Alyssa’s legs as they moved around in circles with each other. Emma was definitely not dreaming.

“What does this mean, Em?” Alyssa was swirling around with Stevie while the kitten meowed.

“He likes you already, he’s owning you.” Emma chuckled. “Such a charmer, it took us days before he did that to me. Also, I think he’s hungry.” Emma shuffled towards the lower cabinets searching for Stevie’s kibbles.

Alyssa and Stevie were walking in zigzag when they entered the kitchen. Emma had offered him his meal in his ceramic bowl when he finally released Alyssa from his zeal.

“I’m glad that you finally went ahead and got Stevie.” Alyssa affirmed.

“He was the last of his litter at the shelter. I guess we were both lonely when we found each other.” Emma shared. “At first, I thought he was a she, hence, Stevie but it suited him anyway, so we kept it.” 

Alyssa gave her a forlorn look but Emma just shrugged. Moments like these were unavoidable. They indeed hurt each other in some form. So, it was better to meet it head on than continue walking around on eggshells. Running around in circles was what brought them to their current predicament in the first place, they knew better.

Emma sat on one of the stools on the island countertop. She amusingly observed Alyssa opening and closing cabinets, scanning the pantry and the refrigerator and arranging everything that she needed. Alyssa used to have everything in her life in order but Emma never realized that it was more of a restraint rather than something that prevented her from falling apart. It was great to see her now, less worried, less conscious of her every move. Alyssa was making a little mess in the kitchen but this was a welcomed mess. She should allow herself to make this kind of chaos, especially when it allows her to make herself feel more human.

“What are you doing, babe?” Emma mindlessly asked out of habit.

Alyssa smiled at the unconscious mention of the endearment. “Bacon and eggs.” She replied, sticking her tongue instinctively while she concentrated on her task.

Alyssa was heating the pan and she slowly poured some oil and Emma just had an amused look on her face. When Alyssa began making sunny side ups, Emma seemed impressed. One was broken and Alyssa looked frustrated for a while but she set in on her plate anyway. In all their years together, Alyssa had burned toast and cut herself while peeling a potato. She did not enjoy being in the kitchen from that point on, except when Emma direly needed her assistance. Now, as the smell of bacon wafted in the air, Emma realized that Alyssa was right, she had taught herself some basics, without the pressure, without the apprehension.

“Oh, you finally bought one!” Alyssa exclaimed when she found a manual coffee grinder on the countertop. Emma just leered at Alyssa’s glee as she excitedly prepared coffee as well. 

Emma just had her cheek resting on her palm, watching Alyssa set their breakfast in front of her. Alyssa felt different, good different.

“Tada! What do you think?” Alyssa wiggled her eyebrows as she sat next to Emma.

“So, ten weeks in the wilderness had finally made you more civilized?” Emma joked as she marveled at her plate.

“I needed to learn somehow, I thought about trying to survive without you.” Alyssa whispered. She did not look at Emma while saying this.

“Well, I think you can survive now.” Emma’s answer was almost incomprehensible.

“No, I was wrong.” Alyssa countered. “I hated eating alone, the food tasted bland.” She reached out for Emma’s hand.

Emma just smiled back at her sheepishly. 

“Happy Birthday, Em. I’m so sorry I ruined everything yesterday.” Alyssa huffed and then she placed a soft kiss on the back of Emma’s hand.

“No, you actually made everything better.” Emma smiled.

“So, what are we now?” Alyssa started with her breakfast without letting go of Emma’s other hand.

“We haven’t broken anything, Lys. Had we?” Emma realized.

“I turned down your proposal.” Alyssa mumbled remorsefully.

“Technically, I haven’t asked you yet.” Emma gathered.

“Of course.” Alyssa grinned at Emma’s wit.

“I’m sorry I left all your stuff at Kaylee’s. I just couldn’t look at everything that reminded me of you for a while. You were still talking to them, so, I thought you would definitely reach out to them first. Like I said, I didn’t know how I could have reacted if you came home earlier, I was so livid then.” Emma wheezed.

“It’s okay, I understand, I guess I just felt homeless for a while.” Alyssa realized as she thought about the nights in Kaylee’s apartment. 

“I didn’t mean to do that, I was just so confused, I was acting out of spite.” Emma explained.

“I know that and I don’t blame you for it.” Alyssa reacted. 

“You’re home, that’s all I care about now but it’s still your choice if you want to stay…with me.” Emma pointed out.

“If you’ll have me.” Alyssa looked at Emma contritely.

“Well…for starters, you can cook a bit now, so maybe you’re more handy this time.” Emma joked but her eyes looked glassy. Alyssa laughed at that thought.

“I love you, Emma Nolan. I was so stupid to run away.” Alyssa admitted. She looked at Emma endearingly.

As much as they were holding it off the entire night, they knew that this moment was inevitable. The longing that they felt could not compare to any physical distance that they placed themselves in during the span of their relationship. As Alyssa inched closer, Emma stood her ground. Emma caught Alyssa as she collapsed towards her. Emma captured her lips in hers and everything seemed to finally be in place after five agonizing months. Alyssa deepened the kiss, she swiped her tongue in between Emma’s lips and Emma allowed her to do so. They were lost in each other, feeling like they could go further and further until one melded with the other. But they needed to breathe and Emma pulled away first. Hazel eyes searched brown ones and Emma knew that Alyssa was present with her at that very moment.

“I’m just glad you came back.” Emma rested her forehead on Alyssa’s.

“I just wanted to see if I was still myself.” Alyssa whispered.

“Promise me that we’ll always talk.” Emma pleaded. “I love you so much.”

“I promise.” Alyssa nodded.

The couple went back to their breakfast and they spent the entire morning learning more about each other just as they always did in the past years.

* * *

“Are you sure it’s okay that I’m here?” Alyssa fidgeted in her seat.

They were now parked in Betsy Nolan’s front yard. Alyssa offered to drive them in her Jeep. Due to the previous events, Betsy had decided to move the dinner for Emma’s birthday celebration the following day. Alyssa had plucked up the courage to see everyone again but it just got more overwhelming as the event got closer.

“We can still turn around; she does not recognize your car you know.” Emma chuckled in her seat. She fixed the collar of her navy button down under a leather jacket as she reached out of Alyssa’s hand over the console. Not having any spare clothes with her, Alyssa was wearing one of Emma’s cream knitted sweater vests, a white shirt and a khaki skirt. 

Alyssa took a deep breath. “I promised I won’t be anxious anymore.”

“You’re doing great, babe.” Emma chuckled as she placed a light kiss on Alyssa’s cheek.

Alyssa shut off the engine and they both hopped off the vehicle. Emma was walking ahead carrying a bottle of wine. Alyssa looked apprehensive as they neared the front door. Emma stopped in her tracks and reached out for Alyssa’s hand once more. She intertwined their fingers and held her close. As Emma rang the doorbell, Alyssa was taking deep breaths. She didn’t know how she would explain herself to Betsy. Emma gave her a reassuring smile.

As the door swung open, Betsy had met them with a sparkle in her eyes. “I knew you would be back!” Betsy exclaimed as she embraced Alyssa.

Everything felt familiar again, the warmth in Betsy’s voice. The flutter in Alyssa’s stomach as she was allowed to step inside Betsy’s home again. There was something about the sincerity of the hugs of these Nolan women; Alyssa just melted at the thought.

“I’m so sorry, gran.” Alyssa sniffled on Betsy’s shoulder.

“Nonsense!” Betsy countered. “You are here now and that’s all that matters. If you have sorted everything out with Emma, I have nothing more to say. But I’m just always here if you need to talk. Please don’t ever do that again.” Betsy whispered in a calm tone.

Alyssa looked at Emma, Emma just grinned at her.

“Thank you so much.” Alyssa puffed. Betsy just gave her an endearing smile; she realized how it similarly looked like Emma’s. 

“Enough of the drama, for now,” Betsy wiped away a tear. “We can continue sorting some stuff later.” Betsy led them towards the dining room. “Happy Birthday, love!” She abruptly turned towards Emma and pinched her cheek.

Alyssa smiled at the antics of the Nolan women. She knew that Betsy was always privy to everything about them but she did not know the extent of what she knew regarding the way Alyssa left.

When they entered the dining room, everyone else was there. Kevin and Shelby jumped up from their seats as soon as they saw the couple enter the room. They were in the middle of pleasantries when Kaylee emerged from the kitchen carrying a dish of lasagna. Betsy’s lasagna was Emma’s favorite; Alyssa realized that it was probably time that she finally took up Betsy’s offer on learning the recipe. Kaylee was finally back from her trip and seeing Alyssa did not surprise her, she knew what Alyssa had planned. But to Alyssa’s shock, she did not know that her mother was there as well. Veronica Greene appeared with a plate of roasted chicken.

As soon as Veronica placed what she was carrying on the table, Alyssa moved forward to embrace her mother. “I know we’re celebrating Emma’s birthday but I don’t think I deserve to be here.” She whispered to her mother’s ear.

“Oh dear, don’t you know that we wouldn’t be this happy if you did not decide to come home for this?” Veronica rubbed her daughter’s back. “Look, look how happy she is, that glow was lost when you left. We really did not know what to do.” Veronica whispered back.

Alyssa looked at Emma, she was laughing with their friends and there was a sparkle in her eyes. Emma looked back at her, smiling wider than she ever could. Alyssa chided herself, _why did she ever think that she could live without what is currently in front of her?_

* * *

“That house is still a little bit empty, you know?” Kevin muttered as he was helping Alyssa with the dishes.

Betsy and Veronica proceeded to look at Betsy’s succulent collection. Shelby, in her fragile state was exempted from exerting herself so Emma and Kaylee decided to get her some fresh air at the front porch. 

“What do you mean?” Alyssa inquired as she was drying glasses.

“She knew that you were coming home. So, when we were setting everything up, she left some things for you to finish. Like the drapes were just temporary, she did not fix up an office, she worked at the living room, there were a lot of missing furnishings. She put things off, probably waiting for you to decide with her.” Kevin shared. “She never addressed it as _her home,_ she always thought it would still be yours, too, you know.”

“Thank you, Kev. Thank you for always being there for her.” Alyssa could not express how grateful she was of their friends.

“I’m her best friend, Lys. Shelby and I will always be there, not just for Emma but for you, too.” Kevin paused from rinsing plates and looked at Alyssa. “She has so much faith in both of you even if she won’t admit it. Yes, she was mad, we were mad for a while. We just didn’t understand. But I see it now; I know how we can sometimes second guess ourselves.”

“What do you mean?” Alyssa was baffled at Kevin’s tone.

“Look, we know each other since we were just kids. We were so idealistic with life that we probably think we could take on anything. Not a lot of people marry their college sweet hearts, you know.” Kevin chuckled.

Alyssa gave him a perplexed look. “Are you and Shelby okay?”

“Of course, don’t get me wrong. I’m the happiest I have ever been. But it’s scary, right? How things work out? You know what I mean, right?” Kevin made a knowing look. “I think I know why you ran away, Lys. Emma planned everything with me. I never thought it would be that scary, not until now. Change is scary.”

“Talk to me, Kev. I don't have the best track record but we learn from my mistakes.” Alyssa muttered.

“I never had second thoughts about Shelby, you know that. I am so in love with her and for the longest time, it had just always been us, Kevin and Shelby. I am married to someone; I am someone’s partner in life. Now that we are finally expecting, I think I’m flailing. Am I ready to be a dad? Change is very unsettling. There’s going to be another person, Lys. I know we waited for so long but now it’s real, we are taking care of a life as we speak. Shelby is going to be amazing, I know. But me, I’m not really sure, what if I’m not good enough? What if I’m not going to be a great dad?” Kevin confided. 

“What are you talking about, Kev? You have been taking care of us back then. You have been constant with Shelby. You have been constant with Emma. I can’t really say anything else about it because my dad hasn’t been remarkable but you’re ready, you know how it is to be present in someone’s life, even if it’s tough. I messed up once but if it’s one thing that Emma has taught me, it was sticking around even if it’s rough that matters. You have built a home with Shelby; it’s a home that matters, give your child that.” Alyssa realized.

Kevin flashed her an endearing smile; Kevin was so much like Emma, they expressed themselves well. “Thank you, Lys. I really need to tell someone that. Someone who would understand.”

“Don’t make the same mistake I did.” Alyssa warned.

“You know, we asked Emma to be our child’s godmother.” Kevin chuckled as he continued washing plates.

“She said yes, didn’t she?” Alyssa inquired.

“Let’s just say that you are also in for it for the long haul.” Kevin snickered, splashing droplets of water on Alyssa’s face. 

* * *

“So, should I bring her stuff at your place of are you going to go get it?” Kaylee was snuggled to Shelby’s side in Betsy’s porch swing. Emma was seated on the railing with her feet dangling.

“I see she has been wearing your clothes.” Shelby pointed out.

Emma just sneered at them. “I think we’ll go get it soon. Thank you for everything, you guys. This has been messy.”

“What are you talking about, Em? We’re all messy, I just kicked Nick out, remember?” Kaylee pointed out.

“Kevin and I are a nervous mess; I hope we won’t break down soon.” Shelby rubbed her belly.

“That’s why I’m really so grateful to you guys, you all had your own messes but you stuck around.” Emma smiled at her friends.

“Who ever said that growing up would be this chaotic? I’m just glad that we all understand each other’s crazies.” Kaylee mumbled.

“Ditto.” Emma chuckled.

“So, what’s next? Are you guys still taking the next step?” Shelby wondered.

“Actually, I think I’ll put it off for a while. I just think Alyssa still has a lot she’s not telling me. Last night was just odd, I just felt like she was there but she isn’t. I mean maybe she feels the same way about me but obviously we have a lot to work on.” Emma explained.

“But you guys are sticking together, right?” Kaylee speculated.

“Of course, we still love each other, we both expressed that but I just think there are some fissures now, like we need to fix the communication lines and undo some things.” Emma tried to explicate.

“Yeah, just take your time then. I’m just happy she’s home now.” Kaylee rested her head on Shelby’s.

“Yeah, us too.” Shelby smiled. “It’s going to be a fresh start, Em.”

 _A fresh start,_ Emma liked the sound of that. 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Perhaps the most daring thing is to stay,  
> Perhaps the most daring thing is to let go,  
> Perhaps the most daring thing is to forgive,  
> Perhaps the most daring thing is to be constant when others are not. 
> 
> Just a little note for this chapter, reflecting on the unending changes that we experience at this time. I guess this chapter is dedicated to that, the feeling of uncertainty and fear. 
> 
> So, this has been a double update, simply to make up for lost time.


	9. The Least of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I'm tired of living unable to love anyone. I don't have a single friend - not one. And, worst of all, I can't even love myself. Why is that? Why can't I love myself? It's because I can't love anyone else. A person learns how to love himself through the simple acts of loving and being loved by someone else. Do you understand what I am saying? A person who is incapable of loving another cannot properly love himself.” (Haruki Murakami)

* * *

“I honestly forgot how many books you got.” Emma was struggling as she pushed a big cardboard box inside the small room.

Alyssa looked at Emma as she slinked the heavy box trying not to damage the parquet flooring. Emma was wearing a pair of denim dungarees with a white tank top underneath it. Her hair was covered by a red bandana and she put on her comfortable sneakers. There was a sheen of sweat on Emma’s forehead and her arms contracted as she mustered all the force her slinky limbs could manage.

It was mid-afternoon and they had just retrieved all of Alyssa’s boxes from Kaylee’s apartment. The drive to Kaylee’s was a bit tense, both of them not expressing how bothered they were by the fact that they have left some unresolved matters. Alyssa could feel that Emma’s mind was running a mile a minute despite her silence. She could not believe how easy they have bounced back to how it was before, after five painful months, surely Emma has some spite in store. However, Emma remained quiet during the drive, just glancing at Alyssa occasionally, flashing a timid smile. Whatever Emma was thinking, Alyssa hoped that she was not debating against herself with how easy she was taking Alyssa back. _Surely, there was a catch to all of this; Alyssa is hoping it is not a charade to mask everything Emma is feeling_. However, Emma remained calm throughout the ordeal, simply thanking Kaylee endlessly for putting up with their crazy. _Was it just their crazy?_ Five months apart without word surely did some damage to their relationship but Alyssa decided to take what she can. She could not see herself in any other place, she could not fathom what she could have had done if Emma had rejected her. This was their second chance, a chance she would not dare mess up.

Alyssa grinned at Emma; she halted from her task for a while. She was stacking books in the built-in shelving of the small room. Emma has not said anything yet but she realized that it was probably a room dedicated as her office. The room was lined with hardwood shelves built into two adjacent walls of the room, it had a large window and it was near the kitchen. Alyssa was astounded with Emma’s thoughtfulness, Kevin was right; Emma had left some of the rooms untouched for Alyssa’s judgement. Somehow, Emma wanted Alyssa to return, she had made room for her. This was a comforting thought since Alyssa has been fearful in the past couple of days. She was waiting for Emma to snap, waiting for the shoe to drop. She did not know if she wanted Emma to be furious at her, to react violently, maybe some form of drama but that never happened. Alyssa felt that she did not deserve this that is what she keeps telling herself. Nevertheless, Emma was hopeful; Alyssa was beholden to her. A stray tear escaped Alyssa’s eye and she moved quickly to wipe it off before Emma could even look up but she had failed to be discreet.

Emma stopped and looked up; she gave Alyssa a concerned look.

“How?” Alyssa’s question was caught in her sniffle. “I don’t think I deserve this.” She wiped away tears that had started falling. 

“Hey, babe, what’s wrong?” Emma rushed to her side examining her face as Alyssa burst into tears.

Alyssa choked at the mention of the endearment, as if nothing had happened to them. She was just riveted by how fast Emma could bounce back but there were so many things left unsaid. It is as if she wanted her to lash out, to just be mad but it never came, not even after a week of restlessly being around each other. “Are you sure?” Alyssa coughed out. “Are we going to be okay?”

Emma gave her a comforting glance. “Truthfully?” Emma furrowed her brows at Alyssa. “I have no idea.” She adjusted her eyeglasses on the bridge of her nose.

“I just don’t know how you do it.” Alyssa mumbled evading Emma’s stare. “I just don’t know how you can just take me back.” Alyssa slurred almost inaudibly.

“I don’t think what happened to us will be easy to forget. It will always haunt me, whatever happens. But I’m working on it, forgiving us, wherever we went wrong.” Emma mumbled. “Can you give yourself that?” She lifted Alyssa’s chin.

“I just feel so guilty about everything.” Alyssa admitted.

“Lys, that will get you nowhere. Let me tell you this, from now on, whatever happens, you tell me, do not hide anything and carry everything alone. That’s why I’m here, that’s why there’s an _us,_ you just have to tell me, whatever it is.” Emma reminded.

“I know. I’m so sorry…” Alyssa whimpered.

“I’m sorry, too for making you think that you can’t tell me.” Emma whispered.

Alyssa hugged Emma tighter, so tight that she felt like she was holding on to a lifeline. When Alyssa’s grip started to loosen, Emma took a step back and stared at Alyssa.

Emma cupped Alyssa’s chin, urging her to look up. “Look, you’re here now, you’re here and that’s all that matters to me.” Emma pulled Alyssa into a warm embrace once more. Alyssa cried on her shoulder.

_“Gosh, what’s inside these boxes?” Emma murmured_ _as she and Alyssa dragged boxes towards their new apartment._

_Alyssa managed to laugh despite being out of breath as they reached the door. She noiselessly pointed at the side of the box that read ‘BOOKS’._

_After deciding to finally move in together, Emma and Alyssa had picked out a new apartment. They did not move into Alyssa’s flat as originally planned but they found the perfect spot near a small park. Emma loved taking walks in the afternoon and as much as she enjoyed the busy streets on her coffee runs, she did enjoy some peace and quiet especially when she was thinking. Emma loved the sense of clarity that she gets out of silence, how her thoughts reel and seemingly take her away from the present time. This is how she contemplates; this is how she writes. Alyssa did not have any issues with the new space either, she adored the ample living space. Alyssa could just imagine how they can host game nights with their friends or just stay cuddled in front of the television in that area. Emma loved the kitchen, mainly because of the generous storage space. Emma’s things were already brought to the new apartment the previous weekend. Now, they just got Alyssa’s things, it took them two trips to transfer everything._

_“All of the three boxes are labelled books?” Emma sat anxiously on one of the big boxes that is already in the narrow vestibule. “How much knowledge is stuffed in here?”_

_“You’re a writer; you should not ask senseless questions.” Alyssa gave Emma a playful shove as she headed towards the kitchen._

_Emma had already organized the kitchen the previous week but there was not much inside their refrigerator yet just a few cans of soda, bottles of beer, and a pitcher of water. Alyssa reached for the water and poured some for herself in a clean glass. She drank everything in one gulp, wiping the spilled water that dribbled down her chin on the collar on her t-shirt. She was wearing a loose washed out t-shirt with The Beatles Abbey road walk print, a pair of denim shorts, and flip-flops. Emma was amused at her girlfriend’s lack of finesse sometimes. Alyssa then poured another portion in the same tumbler and offered it to Emma._

_Emma beamed at Alyssa and she took several small guzzles, looking like she was savoring the flavorless liquid, letting it dance around her mouth. “How did you accumulate these many books?” Emma stared at the boxes in their living room. Emma took off the black bandana with paisley patterns that she tied on her neck and began wiping the sweat on her forehead with it. Emma was wearing a plain navy blue t-shirt, knee-length khaki cargo shorts, and sneakers._

_“Gifts, book fairs, some I brought with me from home.” Alyssa placed her hands on her hips as she examined her things._

_“It was a rhetorical question, Lys.” Emma huffed. “I just never realized all the hard bounds and coffee table books were this heavy!” Emma opened one box._

_“I’m in art studies, Em, that’s self-explanatory, plus, as if you haven’t seen this many laying around in my old apartment.” Alyssa was right; most of them were not even taken out from boxes given Alyssa’s limited storage at her old apartment. Alyssa gestured for Emma to move over as she squatted in front of the box Emma was examining. Carefully, Alyssa unloaded the books one by one._

_Emma stooped down and took some books on top of the pile Alyssa was building, moving to place them on the empty shelves in their living space but Alyssa swatted Emma’s arm._

_“Ow, what was that for!” Emma exclaimed, exaggerating her reaction playfully. Though Alyssa did not really hit her hard._

_“Don’t just place them in there randomly.” Alyssa stood up reprimanding Emma._

_“Why thank you for your help, babe.” Emma mocked Alyssa, imitating her voice._

_“There’s a system, you need to group their sizes first and try to organize the spines based on their colors.” Alyssa pointed out in a huff._

_“So, that’s the system that we should use, are you sure we’re not using the Dewey Decimal?” Emma teased._

_“If you’ll just stand there and make fun of me why won’t you go get dinner instead?” Alyssa gave Emma a scornful look._

_Emma loved bantering with Alyssa but she knew better than to continue badgering her girlfriend when she was getting tired and a bit irritated. This sets Alyssa off in a bad mood and Emma most likely gets ignored the rest of the evening, even until bedtime._

_“Well, I saw a Persian place by the corner, would you want that?” Emma smirked, putting the books in her hand back into the pile._

_“Lamb chops and that rice with dill and Fava beans?” Alyssa replied immediately._

_Emma just stared at her girlfriend endearingly. “You’re cute!” She kissed Alyssa’s sweaty forehead, smirking as she wiped the saltiness from her lips._

_“I’m just hungry; just get me anything with meat.” Alyssa added nonchalantly as she went back to sorting her books._

_“Oh, you’re getting more than that later.” Emma wiggled her eyebrows at Alyssa._

_It took Alyssa quite a while to catch on what Emma was insinuating. “You’re funny when you’re trying to be cute.” Alyssa stuck her tongue out._

_“I’m trying to be sexy, not cute.” Emma pouted._

_“Carry on,” Alyssa urged Emma to move. “We’ll get to the meat of the matter later.” It was her turn to try to be suggestive._

_“We suck badly at this.” Emma chuckled._

_“And you call yourself a writer, who reads your stuff, anyway?” Alyssa bantered as Emma exited with her laughter echoing across the hallway._

_It took Emma about a whole hour trying to figure out what she wanted to eat and waiting for their food to be ready. When she returned to their apartment, Alyssa had already emptied the three large cardboard boxes of books with all the contents settled in their new hardwood shelf. The books were arranged based on their sizes and the colors of the spines lined up based on the hues of the rainbow. Alyssa already had her feet propped up the coffee table and she was trying not to doze off as she idly watched a documentary about Marie Antoinette while waiting for Emma._

It took Alyssa the entire afternoon to arrange all her books again in a room that Emma had set aside for her. There were empty shelves left though Alyssa would probably fill them up in a year or so. Alyssa stood back and marveled at her imagination, all her books were lined up again, based on their sizes and the colors of the spines; everything seems to be back to normal.

“Dinner is ready.” Emma slumped her left shoulder on the doorjamb.

“So, you’re setting this room as…” Alyssa turned towards Emma, trying to be tentative and unassuming.

“This is going to be your office, Lys.” Emma smiled, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Are you sure?” Alyssa was apprehensive; she did not know where they stand yet.

“I take it that when you came back, it only means that you’re home. Like I said, we did not break anything, Lys.” Emma pointed out.

But _I broke your heart,_ Alyssa wanted to say.

“I just think that things should be different now. Especially after what I did to you.” Alyssa whispered instead.

“Trust me; I will always bring up what happened in the past five months but this is me trying, Lys. You’ll try with me, right?” Emma approached Alyssa reaching out for her hand. Alyssa just nodded, too overwhelmed by what Emma just said. The fact that she could not get over her guilt was eating her up inside, in addition to Emma’s compassion concerning their relationship.

“I get my own office while you have your desk in the middle of the house?” Alyssa just raised an eyebrow to lighten the mood.

“I like working in the middle of the house, you know that.” Emma just laughed. “Plus, I think you need your own space, for when you need to get away from me, sometimes.” Alyssa could feel the weight in Emma’s words.

* * *

“Tell me about where you went?” Emma turned towards Alyssa; her profile glowed under the bedside lamp.

Alyssa had her back rested on the headboard; she was reading a book. It seemed as if they were back to their usual routine. Once in their pajamas, Alyssa reads a chapter or two of a book before falling asleep or being distracted by Emma. Emma usually listens to an audio book or a podcast using her earphones until she is lulled to sleep. It is just now that Emma has noticed how quiet they once were. She thought of the first night Alyssa came home, they talked and talked until they fell asleep, she missed that. This was probably how it started, how they stopped talking, on the verge of silence.

“Huh?” Alyssa dog-eared the softbound and placed it on the bedside table.

“You already talked about how you felt when you were out there but I just want to know the mundane things. Maybe the funny things even. I want to know everything those past five months, all the things I missed.” Emma thought.

“You want to know everything?” Alyssa smiled. “Like all the junk food that I ate from convenience stores in gas stations, how I ate oatmeal for an entire week or how I spent ten weeks without looking at a mirror but the rear view mirror?” Alyssa snickered. 

“Yes, the moment you found yourself driving alone in the freeway. Those nights just lying there under the stars. Those days not having to worry about anything else but just moving and moving.” Emma supposed.

Alyssa slid down and was now face to face with Emma. She began with a series of anecdotes; about all the junk food that she never consumed before but was forced to partake to survive, about the strangers she met along the way, and about the most magnificent vistas that her eyes had laid upon. Alyssa was enthusiastic with her storytelling and she sees Emma’s eyes glow as she listens.

“I always thought about great adventures in my head but you finally did it.” Emma finally spoke. “Nothing magnificent, not too far, not hopping on a plane but moving and moving endlessly as far as we could.” Alyssa looked into those hazel eyes, the tones of Emma’s eyes danced around each other. She can observe those orbs clearly without the obstruction of Emma’s glasses. Alyssa sometimes feels that Emma masks herself under those spectacles, obscuring what her eyes truly say. 

“You’re right, it felt freeing, the moment I stepped out of the house.” Alyssa confessed. “I regret not taking you.”

“But you knew you had to do it, Lys. You needed that, to be able to see yourself and perhaps seek out some unanswered questions.” Emma reasoned.

Emma was right, if it did not happen, Alyssa could have still been restless. 

“What else did you find out there, Lys?” Emma probed.

“Answers, how I tried to find my way on my own.” Alyssa replied.

“Did you like it?” Emma did not sound upset, it seemed like an honest question.

“Like I said, it felt freeing at first, I was alone with my just my thoughts for a while. I thought about living a life, just doing what I want and not just surviving on a day to day basis. Then, you started to seep in and I needed to come back.” Alyssa gushed.

“What do you mean by that?” Emma batted her eyelashes.

“I realized that I’m perfectly capable of being alone but the thought that you exist in this world made me realize how much I want to just be next to you, how much I want to be alone with you.” Alyssa reached for a fallen eyelash from Emma’s face. The gesture was so unhurried and tender than Emma felt her stomach flutter. Yes, Alyssa still made her heart skip a beat.

One beat. Alyssa inched closer towards Emma.

Another beat. Emma could feel Alyssa’s breath ghost her lips.

Another beat. Emma cupped Alyssa’s chin.

Another beat. They finally fell into a kiss, a kiss that made them feel that nothing else mattered.

Their kiss got deeper. Alyssa closed her eyes focusing on the feeling, focusing on feeling Emma once again. This kiss spoke too many things than the ones they shared before. She missed Emma so much, how the familiarity of everything just made her feel that she would still combust. It was unplanned, instantaneous, Alyssa was not even sure if this would happen again, realizing that they were circling around each other’s urges in the past week. Emma moved closer, her tongue sliding into Alyssa’s parted lips. This kiss felt purposeful, this kiss felt like all the pent up raw emotions that Emma had stowed away.

Only to catch their breaths, they moved apart for a while, only to gaze at each other’s eyes.

“I was so scared that you wouldn’t want me anymore after what I did.” Alyssa whispered.

“I would wait anywhere for you, no matter how long even if I try not to admit it.” Emma responded. "You're my constant yearning, Alyssa Greene." 

“I can’t apologize enough…” Alyssa started to say but Emma shushed her. Emma could feel Alyssa’s guilt but she just wanted her to feel reassured, without that, how else can they move on?

“I am not a warrior, I don’t storm barricades or am I able to save you from a battle against someone else or even from yourself. I am not that kind of fighter, Lys. But what I think I am is someone who can hold the fort, someone who can keep it together when you are already too weak to hold on to anything. I held on to what we are, whatever we are, despite my actions. I just wanted to give you a choice; to give you an out but I am glad that you are here. Anyway, I just want you to know that I am someone you can fall back on. I will always be the one who waits for as long as you will let me.” Emma guaranteed.

Alyssa searched Emma’s eyes and all she could see was a deep sense of faith and longing.

“I’ll always be a half of us but I need you, too.” Emma placed a chaste kiss on Alyssa’s forehead.

“I’ll always come home to you, I love you so much.” Alyssa pulled Emma closer.

“I love you so much, Alyssa Greene.” Emma pulled herself up and lay on top of Alyssa.

Emma began to pepper Alyssa’s neck with soft kisses. Alyssa closed her eyes once more and she could feel every inch of Emma as Emma moved to remove her sleep shirt. As Alyssa turned off the night lamp and their bedroom was engulfed in darkness, she had never realized how much she missed Emma’s presence. It was one night, one night to feel each other again. Their first night together after a long time. It felt like strumming a tune that had always been at the back of your head. It felt like grasping for something with ease even in the dark. Five months has been a long time and Alyssa had never felt so satiated with a hunger that she never realized she had. 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is inspired by another Jason Robert Brown song, "Someone To Fall Back On", where some lines are borrowed for this fic. The title is also inspired by the same piece as well, give it a listen. This is exactly how I imagine Emma is when she forgives Alyssa after everything else that had happened between them both in canon and in this fic. 
> 
> Also, the ending leaves a lot to imagination, I just wanted this to be tender. Thank you for reading!


	10. Of Is and Is No Longer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It scares me how hard it is to remember life before you. I can’t even make the comparisons anymore, because my memories of that time have all depth of a photograph. It seems foolish to play games of better and worse. It’s simply a matter of is and is no longer.” (David Levithan)

* * *

Alyssa’s heels clanked loudly on the marble flooring of the office lobby. It felt surreal to wear a blazer and slacks again; she did feel a bit nervous and was a bit sweaty, her silk blouse clung to her skin. She knocked on the mahogany door gently; a muffled voice directed her to enter. Alyssa swallowed the lump in her throat before she twisted the lever and finally entered the room. A familiar faint floral scent clung in the air.

There she was, Dee Dee Allen sitting behind her large glass top desk donned in a red pantsuit, immersed in the screen of her laptop. There was something so commanding about her presence. The immense size of her office said so; Dee Dee had a big personality, it was not right to place her in a crammed space.

“So, you’re finally back from that extended road trip.” Dee Dee spoke without looking up from her task.

“Hi, Dee Dee, I’m so sorry that this is last minute, I’m glad that after everything, you still decided to see me.” Alyssa greeted nervously, she knew that the last time they spoke; she was a bit hostile, so she wondered why Dee Dee was not giving her the cold shoulder that she deserved and that she remained cordial towards her.

Alyssa revered the woman that is Dee Dee Allen, she was not just her boss, she was her mentor in both her profession and life in general. She looked up to her; she had followed her career closely, succeeding after her footsteps.

“Sit down, Lys.” Dee Dee motioned to the guest chair in front of her desk, Alyssa followed. It was a bit cathartic, how Dee Dee is acting, how she is the least upset at Alyssa. But maybe Dee Dee is just taking her time and will bombard Alyssa with her sentiments soon. “Let me just send this email.”

Alyssa braced herself for what would come.

As Dee Dee clicked the send button, she closed her laptop and pushed it towards the corner of her desk. “So, are you here to ask for your job back?” Dee Dee got straight to the point.

Alyssa was left speechless; _this could not be this easy._ As far as Alyssa remembered, she resigned without two weeks’ notice. If Dee Dee had been a ruthless boss, she could have gone after Alyssa for breach of contact but Alyssa never received a call when she was away.

“Are you done now? With all the drama and running away?” Dee Dee directed the question at Alyssa surprisingly without disdain.

“Why are you making this so easy?” Alyssa eventually blurted out. She knew that Dee Dee was not talking to her as her superior but more as a mentor, more as a friend.

“Why do you always want it to be hard?” Dee Dee chuckled. “Do you take masochistic delights in facing your own demons?”

Alyssa was taken aback by Dee Dee’s words but it indeed was an uncomfortable truth. “I just feel like I let everybody down by just disappearing and shutting off completely.” Alyssa realized at that moment. 

“Believe me, watching you flounder around the gallery was painful.” Dee Dee hissed. “You looked like a ticking time bomb; you were so ready to implode at any moment. Trust me when I tell you that I know that look, I held that look for so long.”

Alyssa was dumbstruck, she did not know about this side of Dee Dee. Dee Dee was always in your face and that intimidated Alyssa to ask personal questions but now, something has changed between their dynamic, it felt like Dee Dee was baring her own soul. She gave advice to Alyssa but it was mostly work related, less likely personal.

“You know people like us, people who appear strong, nobody really asks us how we are because we either make it look like we are great or that nobody is ever brave enough to ask. They simply find out about it once we start falling apart. Believe me, I’ve done all that crashing and burning, it cost me my first husband and a house. So, I just threw in the towel and left.” Dee Dee recalled. “It was hard to accept that I made a mistake with Eddie. Everyone was telling me that there were red flags but I was just too focused on work to notice, too blinded by what I thought was love to admit what was wrong. But I had to pack up my pride and walk away. I went on a cruise you see, disappeared in an island for a while.” Dee Dee’s thoughts drifted to the past for a moment.

“Well, I just bought a jeep and hopped around motels, it’s nothing as glamorous.” Alyssa shared.

“I’m not bragging, Alyssa, my point is, at any point, our lives may just pivot, it may come in earlier or later but how we deal with it is what matters. I saw you combust and the last time we talked was not so pleasant, you caught me off guard but then I thought of it and I thought about what I did before. Accepting defeat and walking away may be foolhardy but at least it is bold and what you take away from it is what matters. Some people do fall in a bottomless pit and never recover but now, here you are.” Dee Dee remarked.

“I haven’t proven anything, yet.” Alyssa acknowledged.

“Stop thinking of others and focus on yourself for a minute. Haven’t you learned anything in all those months on the road?” Dee Dee chastised.

Alyssa was quiet for a second, she pondered on what else to say.

“Look, it’s either you’re ready or not. I believe just because you’re here now, it simply means that you have no qualms about your time here with me or else you’ll probably be knocking on the doors of other galleries or institutions, am I right?” Dee Dee probed. Alyssa just nodded in response.

“You’re a smart girl, Alyssa and I had never seen that look of determination like the one you had when you first walked into my office. You are passionate with what you do, you just need to see that work isn’t all there is. You’ve given a valedictory speech, you have a compelling resume, you never failed to impress me. You can easily pick up where you left off.” Dee Dee stated.

“Does this mean that you’ll consider hiring me again?” Alyssa realized.

“I never took your resignation seriously. I trust you and as far as I am concerned, I perfectly understand the risks you needed to take to re-evaluate your life. Just probably look at this as a premature uncalled for sabbatical.” Dee Dee explained. “Just because I see so much of my younger self in you.”

“I don’t know what to say…” Alyssa struggled with words.

“A thank you would be nice.” Dee Dee joked.

“Of course, thank you so much, I know I don’t deserve this…” Alyssa pronounced.

“Do me a favor, try to give yourself more credit where credit is due? I want my next director to be more confident about herself.” Dee Dee chided.

“You’re making me director?” Alyssa was caught dumbfounded, she did not expect a promotion from being a registrar, especially with what she just pulled off but perhaps Dee Dee was sincere about keeping her. 

“Oh, but there’s a catch, you see.” Dee Dee called to mind. “You’re not going to be director here; Evan has already filled in that position. Well, it was supposed to be yours but then you had to leave at the most unfortunate time but enough about the past.”

“What’s the catch?” Alyssa seemed tentative.

“Remember how I told you that Tom badly needs help. I offered you a job there two years ago, remember? But then you had to pass it up due to what you said were personal reasons.” Dee Dee implied. Alyssa brought to mind what those personal reasons were.

“I was in a rocky place with Emma at that time, going abroad was not the best option.” Alyssa revealed.

“When is it not?” Dee Dee chuckled. “I’m only kidding. But you think now is a better time?” Dee Dee looked hopeful.

“Actually, I never brought it up to be honest, I just made the decision.” Alyssa confessed. “And we both know how that turned out.”

“Well, would it hurt to consider what she actually thinks about this? I’m not asking thrice.” Dee Dee observed.

“Of course, I’m so sorry if I had been so difficult. I’m actually not in the position to choose.” Alyssa gathered. 

“You’re always in the position to choose. Look, I badly need to get Tom out of there. I love the man very much but he just can’t talk to people, he’s burning bridges left and right and I can’t make all the repairs here. Plus, all the flying back and forth, we are getting old. I also miss my husband very much. I should probably look into retirement soon.” Dee Dee huffed. “I need someone I can trust to oversee things at London.” Dee Dee finally declared.

Alyssa could not still make up an answer.

“You’re hesitating; will this still make life harder at home?” Dee Dee discerned why Alyssa had passed up on the offer before. “I’m sorry but I guess that’s what I can offer for now, given the circumstances.”

"I know, I’m sorry that I am still thinking about it. I just mended things with Emma and I don’t know how she’ll actually react to this.” Alyssa looked torn.

"How about you think about it. You don’t have to decide right now but I guess I should hear from you in let’s say a week?” Dee Dee glanced at her calendar. “I know that it’s something you need to process. I’ll wait for your decision.”

"I just don’t know how to thank you.” Alyssa grasped how gracious Dee Dee has been.

“Just make a decision within a week, that’s all I ask.” Dee Dee advised.

_“Oh yeah, a house here and another house here.” Shelby was wiggling in place, she was seated crossed-legged on the floor hunching over the coffee table where the Monopoly board was set up. She placed two small wooden houses on Parklane and Mayfair. Kaylee was sitting on the couch behind her, acting as the banker with half of the Monopoly box on her lap, organizing all the play money and tiny wooden houses and hotels. She was sipping from a glass full of white wine that was placed on the corner table next to her. Being less busy than the other players are, she was probably having more wine than all of them combined. Nick was running late for their monthly get-together at Alyssa and Emma’s place._

_“Bite me; I’d rather be in jail than land there!” Kevin exclaimed. He was also seated on the rug along with the other players._

_“Tell me about it, I have been in jail twice in a row.” Alyssa huffed._

_“Oh babe, I can give you my ‘Get out of Jail’ card if you want to.” Emma offered._

_“Hey, no trading! Didn’t we just establish new rules before we started?” Shelby commented._

_“But we’re not trading; I’m just giving it to her.” Emma teased._

_“No trading, no alliances, we talked about that.” Shelby established._

_“You’re no fun at all. We should form teams the next round.” Kevin suggested, kneeling closer towards the board._

_“And lose to Alyssa and Emma? What is wrong with you? Break them apart and one of us might win this, Kev!” Shelby was being competitive tonight._

_“Of course, you’re winning it for ‘us’.” Kevin added the air quotes._

_“Yeah, sometimes I do not know if it’s just dumb luck or they are telekinetic.” Shelby added._

_“Yeah, we communicate with just looking at each other’s eyes.” Alyssa chuckled ironically, catching Emma’s stare._

_“Don’t blame me, Kevin can’t read my thoughts even if his life depended on it.” Shelby noted. “I don’t even know why I’m marrying him.”_

_“Hey! I don’t read crazy eyes.” Kevin defended himself._

_“Trust Shelby to throw Kevin under the bus.” Alyssa snickered._

_“Yeah, she even set Kevin up for this dice with death.” Emma pointed out._

_“You’re on your own, Kev.” Shelby badgered. “You perfectly know what you got into.”_

_“She always does this to me.” Kevin puffed out. He kissed the dice before tossing it towards the board. The dice counted seven; he moved his little Polo player token. Kevin cheered as he landed on ‘Chance’ next to ‘Park Lane’. They were playing with the 80 th Anniversary Edition that Emma got Alyssa the previous Christmas. Alyssa had the moneybag token, Shelby chose the train, and Emma had the cat token for obvious reasons. “Golly, that was close!” Kevin celebrated as he drew a card. The card read, ‘You are elected chairman of the board, pay each player 50’. “Well, that’s better than that.” Kevin pointed at the board in relief. _

_“Your turn, Lys.” Emma retrieved the dice and handed it to Alyssa while Kevin distributed his payout._

_“I hope I get a double.” Alyssa shook the dice in her hand. When the dice landed on a two and a four, Alyssa huffed._

_“Not your best night tonight, babe.” Emma tried to comfort her girlfriend who was seated adjacent to her. Alyssa pouted but before she could make out a reply, Kaylee who was oddly quiet tossed her phone towards the other end of the sofa, all the money and houses spilling onto the floor._

_“Nick and I are breaking up!” Kaylee suddenly burst out._

_Everyone in the game automatically halted and looked at her direction. Shelby got up first and rushed to her side in the couch. Kaylee began sobbing on Shelby’s shoulder._

_“He’s not just late; we had a fight before I came over.” Kaylee explained in broken sniffles._

_“Oh Kay, why didn’t you tell us?” Alyssa got up from the floor and sat on Kaylee’s other side. Kevin and Emma shared worried looks._

_“I just didn’t want to ruin the evening.” Kaylee confessed._

_“So, you just kept it bottled up inside instead?” Shelby gasped._

_“I just didn’t know how to say it out loud. Everyone’s lives are working out and we are just…I mean you and Kevin are engaged, Emma and Alyssa are doing great and we are just on and off. I just don’t want to bring the energy down.” Kaylee cried out._

_“But that doesn’t mean that you can’t tell us.” Shelby reproached her._

_“You can always talk to us, Kay.” Alyssa added._

_“I’ll talk to Nick.” Kevin got up from the floor._

_“No, it’s okay Kev. If he finds out that you guys know, he’ll think that I got to you guys first to gain your favor. We have been having problems for months; I don’t really know why he’s acting this way.” Kaylee appealed._

_“Of course, he’s our friend, too. I mean he might at least tell me what’s fucking up with him.” Kevin looked frustrated. “He’s been quiet lately.”_

_“Actually, I think I know what’s up, I was just too stupid to admit it.” Kaylee acknowledged._

_“If he has done something stupid…” Kevin prepared himself to what Kaylee may reveal._

_“He’s been cheating, I think he is.” Kaylee confessed. “I just think he’s seeing another girl or girls when I’m not here…I don’t really know…” Kaylee sobbed again._

_“What the actual fuck?” Shelby was livid._

_“Do you know for sure?” Alyssa decided to be the voice of reason. Emma just remained quiet as she listened._

_“You guys know that I’m not intrusive but when I shut off his alarm one morning, I saw that he had Tinder on his phone for crying out loud.” Kaylee declared. “He wasn’t even discreet about it, it felt like he wanted me to find out about it.”_

_“That little shit!” Kevin stormed off towards the coat closet._

_“Where do you think you’re going?” Shelby followed Kevin with her eyes._

_“I’ll give Nick a piece of my mind!” Kevin stated._

_“Please Kev, can you just sit down? I am already so tired of all the arguing, this is exactly why I kept it to myself for so long. I mean I already saw some signs, I just allowed it to happen and when I finally had some proof, I just could not admit how stupid I was.” Kaylee explained._

_“But he should have not done that to you. If he had issues about you always being away, you could have talked about it. You deserve better.” Emma finally spoke up._

_Kaylee smiled poignantly at Emma, though Emma often does not intervene, Kaylee acknowledges that she is usually the most even-tempered of them all, thinking things through first before acting._

_Kevin paused for a while trying to calm himself, trying to be more composed._

_“Is he still at your place?” Kevin asked._

_“He was when I left.” Kaylee was implicit but probably, Nick was already somewhere acting out with God knows whom and God knows where._

_“You can stay with us tonight.” Shelby offered. Kaylee just nodded, it was more of an understanding rather than something she can contest._

* * *

_“Do you think that can just happen?” Alyssa muttered as she dried wine glasses. Kaylee had left with Kevin and Shelby about half an ago and she was drying utensils as they did the dishes._

_“What?” Emma looked confused while she rinsed the pot that they used for cooking the spaghetti that they had that evening._

_“Just like that, you fall out of love?” Alyssa snapped her fingers._

_Emma gave her a bewildered look. “Well, for starters, don’t get me wrong but I think Kaylee and Nick got together for the wrong reasons.”_

_“What do you mean?” Emma caught Alyssa’s attention with that statement._

_“I mean, maybe it was just physical attraction.” Emma pointed out. “They were a cute couple.”_

_“Don’t pretend that things do not start with physical attraction, Em.” Alyssa admonished. “I saw the way you looked at me at first.”_

_“Hey, I still look at you the same way.” Emma was caught dumbfounded._

_“I’m just messing with you.” Alyssa smiled. “But seriously, do you think Nick and Shelby are that shallow?"_

_“Kaylee, I think is not but I can’t really speak for Nick. We were not really that close. What I am trying to say is perhaps it hasn’t went beyond attraction or probably, they never were able to tell the difference.” Emma reasoned._

_“So, you think that they weren’t in love in the first place?” Alyssa questioned._

_“I just think we build an ideal image of a person in our thoughts and if we find out that they did not turn out who we thought they were, we end up preserving our decision. Like we have the tendency to be at least loyal to ourselves, it’s awfully hard to admit when you’re wrong.” Emma expounded._

_“Are you speaking from experience?” Alyssa crossed her arms over her chest. “Do we need to talk?”_

_“Why is it that when I try to relate something, you feel like I’m talking about us?” Emma walled up._

_“Well, it just makes me paranoid, where else will you get that idea?” Alyssa pointed out._

_“May I remind you that I can be observant of other people’s lives and that I write make believe for a living? Anyway, aren’t we talking about Kaylee and Nick?” Emma clarified. “Plus, aren’t you asking what I think about this whole situation?”_

_Alyssa just liked getting Emma riled up sometimes. “Alright, carry on.” Alyssa patted Emma’s cheek._

_“What I am saying is that people may think they are in love. The first few months may seem magical, the first couple of years, explorative and inventive. When the honeymoon phase is over, you try to keep them interested and somehow along the way, you change. For some people, they try to fit the mold the other person has set; they change into someone they are truly not. People change and sometimes they change together, that is good but the sad part is, they can also grow apart. Then, it becomes tedious, it becomes uninteresting and the excitement may be lost throughout all the affectations.” Emma took a breath. “What I am trying to say is that, if Nick and Kaylee were not in love in the first place, they would not survive the changes. Perhaps one of them was indeed in love with the other at some point or was more in love with the other. Eventually, they would look for that same person, the same person they fell in love with in the past. But change is unescapable, we gain wrinkles, stretch marks, some people even grow bald, that is not so stimulating, isn’t it? Then, we change our minds about things; we can be caught up with work, become more jaded, or even fade away completely. If love and trust is gone or it was never there to begin with, what else is left to go on? A whole bunch of theatrics?” Emma pondered._

_This whole monologue caught Alyssa by surprise._

_“Who hurt you, Emma Nolan?” Alyssa tried to make the air lighter but Emma indeed had a point and Alyssa savored every word._

_“No one, yet and I’m hoping that you won’t.” Emma joked._

_“We did have our own drama, a couple of times.” Alyssa recalled._

_“But we got through it, thankfully!” Emma released a breath._

_Alyssa was still pondering on Emma’s words while they continued to converse. “You should write that down, Em.” Alyssa was still in awe._

_“I write science fiction novels, babe.” Emma chuckled as she put the pot she was holding on the drying rack._

_“You can always throw a bone to the romantics.” Alyssa suggested._

_“You don’t even read my stuff.” Emma chortled._

_“That’s because I’m just not into aliens and outer space fantasy fiction.” Alyssa reacted._

_“Yeah, you’re just into pubescent witches and wizards.” Emma derided Alyssa’s taste._

_“Mock it all you want but I’ll see the day when they’ll be building theme parks out of your interplanetary utopia.” Alyssa countered._ _  
_

_Emma just shook her head and tried to get back to her task. Alyssa suddenly realized how much thought Emma had given to that speech._

_“Swear that you were not speaking out of experience with what you just said.” Alyssa’s thought still clung to Emma’s little speech._

_“Just because I thought of it doesn’t mean that I’m referring to us.” Emma sniggered._

_“Well, I believe that half of what authors usually write is true to life.” Alyssa pointed out. “I remember someone say that your first work is usually autobiographical.”_

_“Look, Lys.” Emma paused for emphasis. “I’m not a total hypocrite, if something is wrong, we would not be this contented doing the dishes. I love doing the dishes with you; it is my favorite part of the weekend. I love our life with all its highlights and mundanity!” Emma declared._

_“You’ll tell me if something goes wrong, right? No theatrics?” Alyssa requested._

_“Look, I tell you now, that whatever we have, I would not trade it for anything in the world. Sometimes it all feels like a dream, how we met, how everything has worked out. I was waiting to wake up from this dream but who would want to? I’d go into coma if this life is just in my head. I am not naïve either, I know we are not perfect, no one is. I am still enraptured; Alyssa Greene and maybe I always will be until you lose your teeth or your firm skin.” Emma dried her hands and pulled Alyssa close, drawing her near by the hips. “But if ever we do have it rough in the future, I promise to stand my ground and you have to remind me about this moment every waking day, probably until I lose my mind.” Emma gave Alyssa a soft peck on the lips._

Alyssa held on to that memory, how Emma kept on reassuring her every time. She gave up and fled once, she has no plans to do it again. She needed to tackle a new concern with Emma, something that could affect their fragile state forever. She had passed up on this opportunity once; it would be unwise and against her will if she decides to pass up on it again.

* * *


	11. This Part is Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You started to cry, and I quickly said, “No- I mean this part is over. We have to get to the next part.”  
> And you said, “I’m not sure we can.”  
> Without even having to think about it, I replied, “Of course we can.”  
> “How can you be so sure?” you asked.  
> And I said, “I’m sure. Isn’t that enough?” (David Levithan)

* * *

“Don’t look at me like that.” Emma remarked.

She was still in her pinstriped pajamas under an old tattered robe. She called it her thinking robe, she loved writing in that robe, and it just felt like second skin, it felt right. She was in the middle of the living room, in her desk again. Notes are spread out all over the table and she was in good momentum, just writing the afternoon away.

“I hate it when you look at me that way.” Emma muttered. Her companion was non-responsive.

“I don’t know how you do it. You just always sit there like everything is fine.” Emma observed once again.

Stevie just looked at her with deeply judgmental eyes; Emma thinks he could just see right through her. The cat continued to lick his hind leg; he was nonchalantly cleaning himself in front of his human. Emma loved these moments. Since Stevie arrived, she would often address him as if he could muster an answer. Well, he literally did not speak but he communicated with his eyes and huffs. This cat has been somewhat the most expressive creature Emma has encountered despite his usual nonchalance. How she wish everyone around her could be like Stevie; no adlibs to hide his dismay, no masks to hide his discomfort, he just looked at her with downright disapproving eyes that always prompted her to look at herself internally.

“You always know what to say, do you?” Emma slumped back into her chair still observing the cat who sauntered towards her.

As Stevie stopped next to Emma’s feet, he suddenly rolled over to show his belly. Emma smiled at the sudden gesture of affection. His sudden submission to vulnerability. Emma is not sure if she is capable of that kind of trust again. 

“You really do trust me already?” Emma moved from her seat towards the floor to pat Stevie’s tummy. The cat laid still for a while, until he recoiled and started nibbling playfully on Emma’s hand. “Yeah, don’t trust people right away, kid. You’ll just get your heart ripped out of your chest easily, trust me on this.” Emma reminded the cat with wink.

Fear still lingered around her, something that she cannot easily shake off, Emma thought. Before something good even transpires, she usually chickens out. At this point, she is just used to things falling apart, things ruining the flow of her well thought out life. So, when something works out, she loses her balance. There is just this fear of having something so good, she is just too afraid when everything blows up in front of her again. Attachments, how they pull us down. Backing us up into a wall, how our own fear manages to entrap us. She could never subscribe to blind faith again, not when she is still picking up pieces of her broken heart.

As Emma was having this earnest moment with Stevie, she heard the front door open and close and Alyssa emerged from the hallway with a forlorn look on her face. She knew that look; she could read Alyssa like a book. _Something was wrong_.

Alyssa removed her blazer and placed it on the back of the sofa. Stevie immediately jolted up from his position and went back to his usual spot on the sofa marking it, making sure that Alyssa would not sit there. Alyssa moved to pat Stevie’s head gently and the cat snuggled to her hand.

“So, how did it go with Dee Dee?” Emma got up from the floor.

Alyssa took a deep breath before speaking, “Better than I hoped.”

“She’s giving you your job back?” Emma looked excited, she just wanted Alyssa to bounce back from this and going back to work might help.

Alyssa nodded hesitantly.

“But there’s more to it, isn’t it?” Emma guessed. She knew that look on Alyssa’s face. “What’s the catch?”

“I think we should talk.” Alyssa had this troubled look. “I need to tell you something.”

_“So, it’s a no then?” Dee Dee crossed her arms over her chest._

_“I just can’t afford to go abroad right now.” Alyssa stammered as she held on to the lapels of her blazer._

_“What do you mean Alyssa? I’m giving you a promotion.” Dee Dee explained._

_“Emma and I…” Alyssa choked on her words._

_“What’s wrong?” Dee Dee raised an eyebrow._

_“I know personal things should not be brought into the workplace but I’m just in a good place with my girlfriend now. We just moved in, everything is falling in place and going away will definitely affect the balance that we have now.” Alyssa managed to expound._

_“Look, kid,” Dee Dee took a deep breath. “Whoever told you that the personal and professional are two totally different things is an idiot. Look, a wise musician once asked, do you live to work or work to live? The professional is always personal and whatever we decide on our career has something to do with the people that we live with and love. I mean this is your life but your family, I guess what you are trying to build with Emma is also your life.” Dee Dee enlightened._

_Alyssa was just into deep contemplation, she did not know what to say yet or how to react. She did not expect this from Dee Dee, she always thought that her mentor was headstrong and never made excuses to pass up on opportunities based on the career that she had built._

_“You are young Alyssa, opportunities will come and go, and whatever you chose will lead you towards a certain outcome. You can always be happy where you are but remember, a good relationship never holds you back, it helps you soar. If it does not take you to the right place or it does not feel right, it only means that you are with the wrong person. Trust me, I know.” Dee Dee elucidated. “So, what exactly did Emma say when you told her?”_

_Alyssa could not answer that question as well. Actually, she never said anything to Emma, she was utterly terrified on how she would react, so, she made the decision for them. At that moment, she thought it was the most selfless and brave thing to do._

_“You have not asked her yet, have you?” Dee Dee realized._

_Alyssa just nodded in agreement._

_“Go home, Alyssa. Ask your girlfriend, talk. Then, tell me by Monday if you have made up your mind.” Dee Dee encouraged._

_“You’re right, I’m sorry…” Alyssa sniffled._

_“Go on now.” Dee Dee urged her._

_Alyssa got up immediately and headed towards the door of Dee Dee’s office. But before she turned the knob, she looked back at Dee Dee. “Thank you.” She mouthed._

_“Just remember, home is not always a place, it can be anywhere, and sometimes it can be a person.” Dee Dee reminded._

_Alyssa trusted Dee Dee’s words; she knew that she had a point. But as soon as she came home that evening, she did not know why she reacted otherwise. She found Emma in the dining room with dinner all set out before them and a chilled bottle of champagne._

_“Hey babe, what’s the occasion? I’m sure that I haven’t forgotten anything or have I?” Alyssa wondered._

_“We’re celebrating!” Emma greeted her with a tight hug. “Barry just called, they just picked up my new concept and it’s going to be a series, three installments at least.” Emma boasted._

_“Wow! Really that’s great!” Alyssa was elated. Her previous thoughts soon elapsed._

_Why she never said anything to Emma that night, she had no one else to blame but herself. Was it because she was distracted? Was it because their celebratory dinner ended up in the bedroom? Was it because she was afraid to shake the equilibrium that they had at that time? Whatever it was, she did not know that it would haunt her for a long. Seemingly making a decision by herself, caving in to what was easy. She never knew that what she thought was one selfless act had always been silently gnawing her inside._

“You passed up on this chance before?” Emma could not believe what she was hearing just now. 

“At that time, I thought it was the right thing to do.” Alyssa walled up.

“I was sharing every bit of information about my life, Lys and you just thought that it was not worthwhile to share a major life decision with me?” Emma raised.

“I just wanted everything to be simple.” Alyssa comprehended that that did not sound humble at all, instead it actually sounded like she was settling.

“I don’t believe you…” Emma’s eyes looked glassy.

“It was stupid and I didn’t know what I really wanted. I know now, I know it was stupid, Em.” Alyssa reasoned.

“Again, how many times do I have to tell you for you to see that we are in this together?” Emma appealed. “You are not trapped here; you can come and go as you please. We are supposed to ground each other for the better, not act as a leash.” 

“Exactly, I know now and now this is why I am telling you.” Alyssa acknowledged.

“London, huh?” Alyssa could not read Emma’s reaction at the moment. She just stood there with a faraway look.

“Dee Dee is not going to ask again if I pass up on this one.” Alyssa came clean.

Emma just gave her a pejorative look, Alyssa knew that she did it once again, Emma is disappointed at her once more but she will not back down, she promised herself that she will face this head on. She will accept whatever Emma’s answer may be and she will not run away; she is so tired of running.

Emma backed away and was about to leave the living room. “Wait, where are you going?”

“I just…” Emma huffed. “I just need some space to think, Lys. Please be here when I come back.” Emma whispered. Alyssa knew that this came from a place of trauma.

Alyssa just nodded as Emma went out of the house. As soon as the door closed, Alyssa fell on the sofa with an exasperated groan. _How can she do this, again?_

* * *

Emma was walking aimlessly around the neighborhood, in her robe, pajamas, and slippers. _Alyssa cannot do this to them, not again. What was Alyssa so afraid of? Why did she keep things from Emma?_ Emma was not mad about the fact of the possibility of Alyssa going abroad. She was furious about the idea that Alyssa did not trust her enough to make these decisions with her. That Alyssa always spared her from these things, that she already made a decision before telling Emma anything.

Emma realized that she was already quite far from home. _How could she walk so far in just her slippers?_ She stumbled upon a small playground; it was empty. It's funny when you find time to stop for a while and see the world in constant motion- where are we going? Why is she always immobile? Why is Alyssa always leaving? As she walked towards a wooden bench, she contemplated on their life. _You'll never know what's coming_ \- that's a line from a movie. But how you react to the cards that you are dealt with is what counts- those were Betsy Nolan’s words. Emma sat down on the bench; she was trying to calm herself down, trying to ground herself. She did not like making decisions when she’s mad. This is how she deals with anger, distancing herself from people as not to say the wrong thing.

Then she grasped that she was sat under this tree- shedding its leaves, letting go of everything, one by one, like nothing else mattered. A gush of wind swept by and blew all of the dead leaves towards her. A wish fell on her lap. She thought about this narrative from Betsy that when a leaf falls, you should catch it and make a wish. That it was always about leaves, not falling stars, because it was impossible to reach the stars but leaves, they were always meant to fall. But it you happen to be there before they hit the ground then you are blessed with a wish. Emma always lingered under trees as a child, waiting for this moment. This amazing moment of waiting for a leaf to land but then she noticed something at the corner of her eye. It was a leaf, seemingly floating in mid-air- it was floating- not falling- but floating! Do leaves float in midair? Emma always thought they fell, just like that. But this one falls laterally- it drifted right through the wind. She spent a thousand seconds staring at it as it floated- like a ballerina, capturing her gaze. It felt like it was meant for her to see, that they destined to meet and change each other’s fates. Then as she allowed herself to sink into this fantasy, she was immediately awaken. She extended her hand absentmindedly and the leaf was caught by her shaking palm, a wish stolen from its freedom of falling. It has enveloped her by its mystery and she chose to grab it, to keep it, to hold it as hers. Now, it's not simply a fallen leaf, but a wish whispered into the rustling wind.

At that very moment, Emma knew exactly what to do. Alyssa was constantly moving and she was implanted in place to meet her. To answer the question: _what does an immovable object do when it meets an unstoppable force?_ No object can repel an unstoppable force. No force can move an immovable object. So if an immovable object meets an irresistible force it will move and not move, which is the science behind it. She just needed to believe in it- believe that she will make the right decision for the both of them. 

* * *

Alyssa laid on the couch with her forearm covering her head. She just had such a long day and how the events had unfolded was tiring her out, not only physically but she was also drained emotionally. She had managed to keep everything for so long that she did not imagine it’s the immensity of its weight when things started to trickle down. Maybe she deserved all of the distress- this is what happens when you run away from all your problems, it does come back to haunt you and everything had gained up on her, so far.

Maybe she made a mistake by rocking the boat again. They were on very shaky ground- their relationship was so fragile. Maybe she was just meant to stay put- to stop moving for once. At this point, it was clear to her, she can give up anything just to be with Emma. That nothing seemed to matter if she would not be able to share this life with Emma. That she would choose Emma over anything.

She was torn away from her thoughts when she heard the front door slam.

“Promise me you won’t send me outside in my pajamas ever again.” Emma remarked as she entered the room.

Alyssa had this puzzled look on her face.

“On your last birthday, I went around looking for you in my pajamas.” Emma filled her in.

Alyssa realized that Emma was referring to the day she left. Realizing that Emma was still asleep that morning, perhaps she indeed panicked and ran out to look for Alyssa. _Oh, the things that she has done to Emma._

“I’m really sorry, Em. If I could just take back everything.” Alyssa approached Emma.

“No, Lys. The truth is you can’t.” Emma still sounded livid. “But you should stop doing this to me…to us.” Emma added.

“I thought about it, Em. I won’t be going away.” Alyssa stood up from the couch and approached Emma.

Emma had this perplexed look.

“I can call, Dee Dee. I can look into other job postings.” Alyssa rambled. “I can’t ruin us again, I can’t lose you. You mean so much to me and I would be willing to give up anything for you. Nothing else matters now. We are just trying to fix things and here I am shaking things up once again…”

But before Alyssa could finish, Emma cut her off. “Stop, stop, you can’t do that. We can’t do this to each other anymore.” Emma interjected.

This brought Alyssa to tears. _Has Emma had enough? Was she breaking up with her?_ She grappled with words and her lips trembled.

“Shit! Oh, no, no, Lys, that’s not what I mean.” Emma held on to Alyssa’s shoulders, pulling her close. “What I mean is that I’s do anything for you. I can actually work anywhere, Lys.” Emma declared.

“What are you saying?” Alyssa looked confused.

“I said I can work anywhere, my job does not require me to stay here.” Emma emphasized.

“London?” Alyssa was lost for words, a smile forming on her face. 

“Remember I told you that the next time you go, you should take me? This is it, take me anywhere, I don’t care as long as I am with you. You are home to me and wherever you are is home. We can camp out in the desert, buy an RV, or go to London, or anywhere really. Just don’t leave me out of this, don’t leave me behind.” Emma pleaded. “We can’t do that anymore.” 

Alyssa was slowly absorbing Emma’s words. Emma was right; she can actually go with Alyssa. They can be anywhere, if only Alyssa realized that sooner. Dee Dee was right, her career is part of her life and so is her family.

“You’ll leave all of this behind.” Alyssa pointed at the expanse of the house.

“It can stay here, we can always go back or it can go. We can figure things out.” Emma was willing to give up anything at that moment. “Well, except for that, he goes with us!” Emma pointed at Stevie, of course, anything but the cat.

“Of course, he can go, too.” Alyssa smiled at the joke. “I think London may not be permanent, I would like to retire here. This is where the rest of our family is.” Alyssa grasped.

“This might be the fresh start that we need. A change of scenery might always help, haven’t you learned anything on the road?” Emma concluded.

“Well, if there’s one thing that I learned is that I don’t want to ever continue to drift in this life without you.” Alyssa huffed as she cupped Emma’s face, releasing the tension that she has been holding the entire day.

“You can take the wheel now, we’ll figure out the rest later.” Emma whispered and she sealed that promise with a kiss.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this update took some time but we are almost at the end. This moment just needed to marinade and I did some rewrites. I do hope you liked this. Thank you for allowing me to tell this story.


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